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I am so sorry for what you have been through. This sounds like classic covert narcissism to me, perhaps mixed with BPD as you say. There are definite traits of narcissism in what you describe though: the complete lack of empathy toward your feelings or anyone else’s, a strong inability to accept blame, and the black and white thinking that someone is either completely good or completely bad.
With that black and white thinking, narcissists don’t see people as being a mixture of good and bad. When they decide that you are bad, everything about you is bad. Everything you have ever done is bad. If you point out something that they used to think was good, they will tell you that you misunderstood them. That they never thought that was good. You are either their best friend ever or their worst enemy. There isn’t any middle ground.
I am glad to hear that you are happier, though I am sorry for the reason why. Do not blame yourself for this! These choices are not your choices or your fault or your responsibility to fix. She is responsible for her own choices, and there is nothing you can do about that. You have already gone far beyond what many people would.
Also it is okay to feel healthier without all the stress. We are emotional beings, and emotional stress absolutely effects us. Allow yourself to enjoy the reprieve. You have earned it!It never felt like winning for me because the win I wanted was a healthy marriage and a healthy family unit. That was never going to happen.
Like you, I came out with friends and family that love me. I have a great relationship with my two young adult boys. So in that regard, that is certainly a win! But I still often wish that they had a healthy dad and a healthy relationship with him, but that simply is not possible. And I don’t think it ever will be.
Good luck with everything! I wish you much peace on your journey!Hey Wiser – you are so right, narcs are definitely going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. We can do everything in our power to be fair with them, and it will still be a disaster. It simply is not possible to work things out peacefully with them, even over the smallest things.
Mariab – Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting out!! I know how hard that is, and adding young kids makes it infinitely harder! There is no one right answer for every situation. Whether your kids should have time with him or not is not a simple question. As their father, he will almost certainly have some access to them. They will experience him for who he is to some extent. You won’t be able to completely shield them from that.
My thought is to focus on giving them the tools they will need to build healthy boundaries and their own internal strength. Allow them a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings to you without fear of judgment from you. They will need this as they begin to voice how they feel about him. That will take some time though, as they are quite young.
It does not surprise me at all that he told his lawyer he wanted to be married to you forever. This way if you press on with the divorce, he can look like the victim. He can blame the whole divorce thing on you since it clearly isn’t what he wants. Don’t worry about it though. You have nothing to prove to him, and nothing you say to him will ever change how he perceives and manipulates things.
I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!!
ROR – how is it going? Please remember that you are getting your life back! You are not entirely starting over. You have so much greater knowledge and strength now than before. You are simply entering a new phase!
Mrsnarc,
What they are going through is certainly not easy! They are likely to go through the stages of grief – shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger, depression, and hopefully a positive turn toward reconstruction, acceptance and hope. Be supportive of their feelings here. Give them a safe place to open up. Don’t judge how they feel or what they think. Try to understand where they are coming from, even if you see things differently. They were kids. Their perspective will certainly be different.
If they are open to youtube videos, books, blogs, there are a lot of excellent resources out there now on narcissism. If they are resistant to hearing about resources from you, simply encourage them to do their own searches. They will gravitate towards the ones that speak to them.
You are likely to see some traits of the narcissism in them. This is a vicious cycle and does not go away easily. This does not mean though that they will be full-blown narcissistic or abusive. Keep an open channel with them and love them no matter what. Don’t ever forget that even if they do become a narcissist, no one can take away your freedom to love them. Not even they can. Hope this helps!
Hey Eisha,
I have been through it, and I not only survived, I thrived!! You are stronger than you think, and you can do this too!
Have you talked with an attorney yet? I recommend doing this. You can get a lot of financial questions answered. Many attorneys will give you a free consultation at the beginning. Do this with a couple different ones. Use it as a time to pick an attorney, but also to start getting some answers as to what things will actually look like for you and what you need to be doing now to get ready.
Take things one step at a time. The pieces will start falling into place. Let us know here how we can help! You got this!
Renee Swanson
Feathersong,
I am so glad that you are no contact. Yes, it does help tremendously!! When I went no contact, it was the first time in years that I felt like myself again. Every day got a little bit better. I am still finding more of me every single day, and I am SO happy about it!It is amazing to me that some people never leave a victim mentality. They never take responsibility for their own life. Part of my own healing journey has been learning how to take more responsibility for my own happiness and peace. Enjoy the journey!!
Renee SwansonHow we feel when we are away from them compared to with them is a very good sign of what is going on inside us. Listen to your heart. It knows where healing is. It knows where peace is. It knows the right path for you and your kids.
Hey Bill,
I am so sorry for what you have been through!! No one should ever be treated this way. You are NOT crazy! Yes, this sounds very much so like narcissistic abuse. Their whole world revolves only around them, their desires, their feelings, their opinions, and so on. With a covert narcissist, the abuse is so subtle that many people don’t see it for years or even decades. We just start to wonder why we feel the way we do, exhausted, unmotivated, hopeless, worthless, and like a failure. When we really start to see how they have been treating us, it all starts to make sense. We feel the way we do because of how we have been treated for all these years.
What should you do? I don’t have an answer to that. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay and continue this game for the rest of your life? Or do you want to get out on your own and try a few new things with the years ahead of you? She is never going to change, so the decision really lies with you. You either leave or you stay. There isn’t any in-between.
I definitely think you should read up on Covert Narcissism. Check out our other website – http://www.covertnarcissism.com. I think some of this will ring true with you. As you learn more, it may make your decisions easier and more clear.
I wish you much peace on your journey of healing! It is never too late to start and you are stronger than you may know!Hi Foxx,
My favorite part of what you said is “for now anyways.” The story definitely doesn’t end here. You have SO many wonderful days ahead of you. I’m so glad you have your kids. I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!
He Melanie, stay strong for your kids. These teenage years are crucial. They are tough years, even in healthy homes. I hope that you are able to be with them soon!
Are you able to get the court involved on their behalf?
Hey Rainne89,
Yes, it is impossible to explain to anyone who has never lived through it. People who haven’t lived it just can’t understand it. I don’t blame them. I can see why they don’t understand. But it makes it extra hard to find support when we so badly need it.
Good luck with the finances! Keep moving forward and focus on your own healing and your own self-love. It is time to put some true energy into you!