November 21, 2019 at 11:20 am #182768
It is hard to let go of that dream of what we thought our life would be. It took me many years to finally let go, and occasionally, it still sneaks in some. You are certainly not alone in this! Keep your eyes focused on now. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.November 21, 2019 at 5:02 pm #183302InthemixParticipant
Thanks 4LeafClover and Renee.
4LeafClover, keep working at your awareness of needing validation. Increasing awareness will help you to be more observant and objective, and less caught in that need. Stay connected.
Renee, you tell the truth. I guess I know it too. Just tough to let go of the fantasy of connecting with someone. Though it is reality with most people who don’t have narcissistic tendencies.
Yes, it has been peaceful. He has pretty much ignored me, and left open his computer on books and articles on “choosing whether to leave or stay” and “quick divorce”. Maybe he is just self absorbed and not expressly wanting me to see these things. I’m kinda over it in any case.January 8, 2020 at 12:10 pm #195413KatParticipant
Hi! I’m in my 50’s. Separated for a couple months headed toward divorce.
I’m just learning about covert narcissism. I always knew something wasn’t right but he did not fit the usual Narc patterns. CN .. he could be the poster boy.
Even though his heinous behaviors and lies are what led to this, he is playing the victim BIG TIME!
I’m told to hang on for a very long, shitty and expensive ride through court. I’m exhausted already.January 10, 2020 at 9:28 am #195416
Welcome to the group! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Every divorce is different. I was braced for a long and tough process, and I was so surprised when the whole divorce was done in 3 months.
My husband was actually very cooperative because he was clinging so hard to his own image that he was a wonderful husband. He played the victim role, and I didn’t defend myself anymore. I was the one filing for divorce. I was the one doing this awful thing. That was just fine by me! I was too exhausted to try to explain it all to him yet again. All my friends and family knew the truth. I had nothing to prove to him anymore. So he held onto his victim role and image of being a great husband, and I got a peaceful and quick divorce.
I wish you much peace!!
ReneeFebruary 22, 2020 at 10:20 pm #195872newbeginnings2020Participant
The process started in 2015 and the CN won’t move forward. I’m over 50 and a little exhausted by it all. I’m hopeful that it will be done soon, but the CN seems to gather up lots of flying monkey support for himself, a girlfriend and her 2 children. My children have been replaced by a whole new family of strangers. It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen. But I’m glad he’s gone!March 3, 2020 at 7:26 pm #195882MattyCParticipant
Hi. Im 53 and married 26 yrs. I left 8 mths ago with 5 kids (2 adults) (plus another 8 mths in home separated) but have still not got anything done about parenting plans. Financial stuff was dragged out bc he didn’t want to do his tax. He has moved in with another woman. I get no financial support bc he’s not working. I can’t work due to fibromyalgia and sahm homeschool mum. I don’t understand why he won’t divorce me as he’s told our mr. 18 that he “just wants to move on” and his living arrangements “go against his Christian morals” 🙄. Not looking forward to coming wks when i tackle these hard things – around the brain fog and confusion.March 13, 2020 at 7:53 am #200580Sadie LeeParticipant
I’m about to be 53. Been with my CN spouse for 36 years. Just made excuse after excuse for him the whole marriage. I just recently even knew the term covert Narcissist. So I’m still learning. My children are all adults with mental health issues as well now. It’s going to take years of therapy for all of to recover from the mental abuse, but sadly we probably won’t get it because of financial reasons.March 16, 2020 at 2:14 pm #205753FlyingMonaParticipant
I am 63, third NARC marriage. This one lasted 19 years and the nastiest by far. Pretty sure he is a Covert. Everybody loves him, he is such a great guy. No.April 12, 2020 at 2:32 pm #225081
Hey Sadie Lee,
I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know first-hand too how much damage it does to everyone involved. My kids also are going through mental health issues that they have to work through. If you cannot get the therapy, there are still a lot of good options for healing. The books, videos, blogs and so on that is out there now is amazing!! Many of these resources are free or low in cost. I am putting together more resources as well to help everyone on this journey.
If you sign up for our newsletter on this page, you will receive our resources lists as they come out. We share resources from ourselves, but also from many others out there who are doing a great job helping our world.
Helping just one single person makes such a huge difference for all of us!April 16, 2020 at 8:56 pm #225084JustMeMeParticipant
I am 53 left my narc 87 days ago. He is so horrible and is making my life hell.June 23, 2020 at 9:58 pm #273867Rainne89Participant
Hello, I am 53yrs old married for 29ys. I purposely stayed because of the kids, the youngest turned 21yrs in May. My birthday was early June, I decided no more, I needed a change by my birthday, I was not going to have another day or decade living this way. So I had a discussion with my spouse letting him know things have to change, I need to have a voice and not walk on eggshells.
Well as usually the conversation turned to him being the victim, him crying and me apologizing. Like what just happened?!?!
Anyway, I was not falling for it and by that Friday I told him I was leaving, I left for 2 wks, then he said he started to go for therapy and was ashamed. Well, I came back mostly cause i can’t afford housing on my own, but was hoping to see a humbling change. Found out he only went to one session, smh! I am focusing on Getting a second job so I can support myself and I already have a lawyer on standby.
So grateful to find this group, he is well loved by many and has had many leadership rolls in our church. It’s so hard to explain to others who never lived it.June 24, 2020 at 9:01 am #273868Anonymous
I’m leaving this website, but first I wanted to give you all hope that you *can* get out. My divorce was final 2 days ago. In March I left and drove 3,000 miles home to my hometown and my family. He didn’t try to stop me and I’m fairly certain that he never stopped seeing his “GF” the whole time I was still in the house with him while we were separated. I was actually fine with that because that just meant that his focus was off me and transferred to her. I finished school in May, I have a fantastic job, and in a few months when my name is off his mortgage and I get my divorce settlement, I’ll get a place of my own (I’m staying with a friend). I even got a cat last weekend! My daughter is in college, but my son is in HS and he stayed with his dad because it made more sense. He’s good to the kids–a good dad. It was me he was horrible to. I’m paying child support, which I’m more than happy to do. As soon as this pandemic is under control and I’m in my own place, I’m going to fly my son out to see me.
Life is finally good again!! Stay strong, my friends. You got this!July 1, 2020 at 10:47 pm #273873
Yes, it is impossible to explain to anyone who has never lived through it. People who haven’t lived it just can’t understand it. I don’t blame them. I can see why they don’t understand. But it makes it extra hard to find support when we so badly need it.
Good luck with the finances! Keep moving forward and focus on your own healing and your own self-love. It is time to put some true energy into you!August 7, 2020 at 9:12 pm #308063Feather songParticipant
Just turned fifty. Separated from the narc after a 27 year marriage. Been apart for three years but only no contact for the last eight months…the past three years before going no contact have been riddled with smear campaigns…threats… property destruction and total insanity at times…but somehow he still comes out the victim with suicide threats when he goes too far. I have a light bulb moment of self discovery almost daily now.
What enrages me the most is how he gets what he wants to this day by threatening to harm himself…after 25 years of using this tactic on me…I feel nothing but disgust when he still is doing this to his new supply.
Positive note…it does get much better after no contact.August 11, 2020 at 10:12 am #317443
I am so glad that you are no contact. Yes, it does help tremendously!! When I went no contact, it was the first time in years that I felt like myself again. Every day got a little bit better. I am still finding more of me every single day, and I am SO happy about it!
It is amazing to me that some people never leave a victim mentality. They never take responsibility for their own life. Part of my own healing journey has been learning how to take more responsibility for my own happiness and peace. Enjoy the journey!!
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