I Finally Woke Up and I’m a Changed Woman
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I’m finally waking up. Thanks for groups like this and the ever popular “Why Does He Do That” I have opened my eyes. I am now in therapy. My husband and I have two small children ages 5 and 8. We are about to go thru mediation and I am requesting to stay in the house and buy him out. I suspect he will seek to be with the kids half the time but I don’t think it’s healthy for them to be with him half the time. So my first question is…do we think it’s better to fight and protect our kids from being around their mentally ill father OR do we think it’s better to allow them to spend time with him, even though it has never been proven that he is sick officially?
His interactions with the kids are superficial and awkward. Pats on the head. Odd comments and questions. Never a deep or connected or meaningful conversation. He also has a girlfriend now for the last two months so he leaves at all hours of the day and night and comes home at odd hours. This is having an effect on my kids and me also. It’s very disruptive. Like many of you, I have zero feelings for him so I’m actually ok with him having a girlfriend and view it as a distraction away from me. He admitted he was obsessed with me a few months back so the girlfriend distraction is a welcomed thing.
Only YOU GUYS will relate to my story. I haven’t told my story to too many people because I don’t trust many people. Everyone thinks my husband is a great guy, funny, charming, kind. They have no idea that he is manipulative and mean. He spent our entire marriage keeping me in a bubble – getting mad if I spent any time with friends, did anything outside of the home like volunteer at the school, and took issue with my clothes and hair. I walked on eggshells for so long and how I am feeling so free.
But with all of this, do you believe he told his lawyer that he wanted to be married to me forever? This was about two weeks ago. I can’t make heads or tails of it. I am sad to be breaking up my family but I am relieved that I won’t have to live with him in a marriage in the future.
Thank you for reading this and if you have any words of advice based on your experiences, please write them. SURVIVORS of NARC ABUSE are the strongest people I have ever met. I am so proud of you!
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Mariab – Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting out!! I know how hard that is, and adding young kids makes it infinitely harder! There is no one right answer for every situation. Whether your kids should have time with him or not is not a simple question. As their father, he will almost certainly have some access to them. They will experience him for who he is to some extent. You won’t be able to completely shield them from that.
My thought is to focus on giving them the tools they will need to build healthy boundaries and their own internal strength. Allow them a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings to you without fear of judgment from you. They will need this as they begin to voice how they feel about him. That will take some time though, as they are quite young.
It does not surprise me at all that he told his lawyer he wanted to be married to you forever. This way if you press on with the divorce, he can look like the victim. He can blame the whole divorce thing on you since it clearly isn’t what he wants. Don’t worry about it though. You have nothing to prove to him, and nothing you say to him will ever change how he perceives and manipulates things.
I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!!
I wish I had fought for more custody. I have 50/50. 50/50 is not good. Mentally healthy parents or not, it is best if school age kids go to one home during the school week, and save their transitions for holidays and/or weekends. I had wise people tell me this, but I was so certain that being equal was the best way to get out and away from him as quickly as possible. Narcs are going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. I hope your mediation was successful.
Hey Wiser – you are so right, narcs are definitely going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. We can do everything in our power to be fair with them, and it will still be a disaster. It simply is not possible to work things out peacefully with them, even over the smallest things.
Mariab – So happy for you that the mask was ripped off. I’m in the early stages of divorce from my wife who’s a covert narc. Been married 25 years. Finally went to couples counseling a little over a year ago. About 6-7 months into therapy, we decided the marriage was ending. Well, it took all of a couple months for her to jump into another relationship. We weren’t separated or divorced when she started the relationship. We were still living in the same house and sharing a room. Of course she feels absolutely entitled to be involved in this new relationship. Doesn’t feel the slightest bit guilty. I’m hearing horror stories about divorcing a covert narc. We’re going the route of mediation. Really hoping we can stick with it and avoid costly legal fees. We’ll see.My heart goes out to all of you married to a narc. It’s the absolute worst experience you can possibly have in a marriage. I could write a book about all of the crazy making encounters I’ve had with her over the years.
mariab – We just filed for separation a few weeks ago. Mediation is probably 6 months out. Right now she’s still in the house, she’s moving out on Jan 1st. Like I said in my earlier response, she’s been seeing someone since August. (probably even earlier)
I would like to connect at some point to get your take on the mediation.
– Croatian
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