Welcome Forums Covert Narcissism I Finally Woke Up and I’m a Changed Woman

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  • #367024
    mariab
    Participant

      I’m finally waking up. Thanks for groups like this and the ever popular “Why Does He Do That” I have opened my eyes. I am now in therapy. My husband and I have two small children ages 5 and 8. We are about to go thru mediation and I am requesting to stay in the house and buy him out. I suspect he will seek to be with the kids half the time but I don’t think it’s healthy for them to be with him half the time. So my first question is…do we think it’s better to fight and protect our kids from being around their mentally ill father OR do we think it’s better to allow them to spend time with him, even though it has never been proven that he is sick officially?

      His interactions with the kids are superficial and awkward. Pats on the head. Odd comments and questions. Never a deep or connected or meaningful conversation. He also has a girlfriend now for the last two months so he leaves at all hours of the day and night and comes home at odd hours. This is having an effect on my kids and me also. It’s very disruptive. Like many of you, I have zero feelings for him so I’m actually ok with him having a girlfriend and view it as a distraction away from me. He admitted he was obsessed with me a few months back so the girlfriend distraction is a welcomed thing.

      Only YOU GUYS will relate to my story. I haven’t told my story to too many people because I don’t trust many people. Everyone thinks my husband is a great guy, funny, charming, kind. They have no idea that he is manipulative and mean. He spent our entire marriage keeping me in a bubble – getting mad if I spent any time with friends, did anything outside of the home like volunteer at the school, and took issue with my clothes and hair. I walked on eggshells for so long and how I am feeling so free.

      But with all of this, do you believe he told his lawyer that he wanted to be married to me forever? This was about two weeks ago. I can’t make heads or tails of it. I am sad to be breaking up my family but I am relieved that I won’t have to live with him in a marriage in the future.

      Thank you for reading this and if you have any words of advice based on your experiences, please write them. SURVIVORS of NARC ABUSE are the strongest people I have ever met. I am so proud of you!

      #367041
      Alex Delon
      Keymaster

        Mariab – Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting out!! I know how hard that is, and adding young kids makes it infinitely harder! There is no one right answer for every situation. Whether your kids should have time with him or not is not a simple question. As their father, he will almost certainly have some access to them. They will experience him for who he is to some extent. You won’t be able to completely shield them from that.

        My thought is to focus on giving them the tools they will need to build healthy boundaries and their own internal strength. Allow them a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings to you without fear of judgment from you. They will need this as they begin to voice how they feel about him. That will take some time though, as they are quite young.

        It does not surprise me at all that he told his lawyer he wanted to be married to you forever. This way if you press on with the divorce, he can look like the victim. He can blame the whole divorce thing on you since it clearly isn’t what he wants. Don’t worry about it though. You have nothing to prove to him, and nothing you say to him will ever change how he perceives and manipulates things.

        I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!!

        #367057
        Wiser
        Participant

          I wish I had fought for more custody. I have 50/50. 50/50 is not good. Mentally healthy parents or not, it is best if school age kids go to one home during the school week, and save their transitions for holidays and/or weekends. I had wise people tell me this, but I was so certain that being equal was the best way to get out and away from him as quickly as possible. Narcs are going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. I hope your mediation was successful.

          #367061
          Alex Delon
          Keymaster

            Hey Wiser – you are so right, narcs are definitely going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. We can do everything in our power to be fair with them, and it will still be a disaster. It simply is not possible to work things out peacefully with them, even over the smallest things.

            #397180
            Croatian
            Participant

              Mariab – So happy for you that the mask was ripped off. I’m in the early stages of divorce from my wife who’s a covert narc. Been married 25 years. Finally went to couples counseling a little over a year ago. About 6-7 months into therapy, we decided the marriage was ending. Well, it took all of a couple months for her to jump into another relationship. We weren’t separated or divorced when she started the relationship. We were still living in the same house and sharing a room. Of course she feels absolutely entitled to be involved in this new relationship. Doesn’t feel the slightest bit guilty. I’m hearing horror stories about divorcing a covert narc. We’re going the route of mediation. Really hoping we can stick with it and avoid costly legal fees. We’ll see.My heart goes out to all of you married to a narc. It’s the absolute worst experience you can possibly have in a marriage. I could write a book about all of the crazy making encounters I’ve had with her over the years.

              #397271
              mariab
              Participant

                Thank you, everyone. I did not see your replies until right now – I apologize for my delay in responding.
                So, we went through (4) mediation sessions and he pretty much dominated the sessions with his wants and desires. None of the abuse was ever really considered or discussed but my lawyer assured me I would get my day in court – no pun intended. The four mediation sessions only resolved the financial aspects of the divorce.
                My Soon To be Ex Covert NARC had three kids from his previous marriage. He discarded them as they got older and no longer provided his supply (their participation in sports). He chalked it up to them getting older and wanting to be with their friends but the truth was, he was such an emotional fuck up and only cared about his own needs. I’m pretty sure his kids knew this. Anyway, this is important because he had them every other weekend and two nights during the week (not overnight). YET, when I made the same proposal, he declined it. He wants 50-50 parenting time.
                There was NO WAY IN HOLY HELL I was going to agree to this. So now we are going thru a parenting custody evaluation. Eight thousands dollars and this will be where he turns on the charm and how fabulous of a father he is. (He purchased a BEST DAD EVER shirt) and wears it every day!! That must mean it is true, right???
                Anyway, I would love to connect with you on ZOOM if you are ever up for it. I could really use support from people who fully understand what I am going through.
                And, you WON’T BELIEVE THIS!!! (very sarcastic)….
                I believe he has his own place even though we aren’t divorced or separated yet. More to come on this but thank you times ten for your support.

                #397277
                mariab
                Participant

                  Croation – If you would like to connect before you to go mediation, I can give you a sense of what to expect. I literally just went through four of them. Let me know. MariaB

                  #397455
                  Croatian
                  Participant

                    mariab – We just filed for separation a few weeks ago. Mediation is probably 6 months out. Right now she’s still in the house, she’s moving out on Jan 1st. Like I said in my earlier response, she’s been seeing someone since August. (probably even earlier)

                    I would like to connect at some point to get your take on the mediation.

                    – Croatian

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