I have never doubted myself so much in my entire life as I did in and after my 21 year marriage to a covert narcissist. Why could I not feel happy in the relationship? Why did I struggle so much to even communicate with him? What was I doing wrong? Was all of this really my fault???
So many victims of narcissistic abuse ask the very same questions over and over and over. We can convince ourselves one day that we are not crazy here, and yet start the doubt all over again the very next day. We can hear from everyone around us that we are right and still question ourselves. Just when we think we have a grasp on reality, it seems to simply dissolve from existence leaving us spinning once again!
I have been out of that marriage for almost one year now! I am blown away by how much my perspective on life and relationships has changed and continues to change. Healing is 100% possible! But it is NOT an easy journey!
Two days ago, a few questions ran through my head. These questions were different. Instead of all the “why” questions that I have worn out my own mind with, these were “how” questions.
- How could I feel close to him when he spent hours and hours every day gaming and not being with his family?
- How could I feel emotionally connected to him when every conversation was a battle and competition?
- How could I grow in my trust in him when his communications were harsh and judgmental?
- How could I relax with him when I could not trust him to talk nice to me or our boys?
- How could I feel safe with him when I was verbally attacked over and over?
Trust is crucial for a relationship to grow stronger and more connected. Not just physical trust, but emotional trust too. He never cheated on me. He never hit me or the boys. I was not afraid of him physically. But emotionally, I walked on SO many eggshells that I was a wreck. I was overly guarded, hyper-vigilant and exhausted!
Emotional abuse is real! And the effects are huge! So quit blaming yourself and quit doubting yourself. No one else will ever really understand unless they have lived this too. That’s okay, because you have nothing to prove to anyone! Start taking care of your heart! Surround yourself with people you trust, let your heart relax once again, and love will return!