to their tempers, impatience, even to their contempt, yet for me, the worst thing about living with a narcissist is the emotional void of loving someone not only incapable of loving you back, but capable of such devaluing cruelty towards you…sometimes covertly, other times with the fury of intimidation. Loving them is the worst part…why what they say and do hurts.
Why aren’t we enough?
When they encounter any sense of guilt about lying or betraying you, they blame you for driving them to do those things. You don’t understand what’s happening or why…it’s tough. We don’t get why we aren’t enough. Don’t realize we never could or would be enough for them. No one will. So we cover for them, hide our shame, bear their blame and we endure…until our emotional bank account goes into Chapter 11 bankruptcy and sinks our tiny boat…the only thing that kept us afloat for so long.
Our actions then are still rarely to strike out in retribution, but are salvage attempts to keep our heads above water. We’re exhausted and battered by this time. We tread water until we get the ground of understanding what we’ve been dealing with under our feet. By the time we realize we need to get away, we have to learn how to swim for shore, stand up for ourselves and walk, all over again.
Good News 🙂
The good news is that whatever our age (I was 65 after 47 years of marriage) it isn’t too late. I’m over 3 years out now and have the opportunity to thrive and do. I’m no longer depleted by surviving the negative energy, the attacks and abandonment. My life is no longer a battle of dysfunction.
Instead, it begins with the aroma of fresh coffee, the adventure of a new day full of possibility. I smile as I write this, because I am grateful I ran out of emotional currency and dove off that boat. I’d love to tell you how courageous I was, but have a hunch it was more desperate determination that drove me to catch my breath and keep going. Whatever it was…it was worth every mile I swam, every rock that scraped me before I let the tide of change wash me closer to the shore. It’s empowering as hell to finally stand up, throw your head back, look into the sun and be free.
My best wishes to any and all of you still mired in the dysfunction or on your way to rebuilding your life. You’re worth it.
@alexndelon (Twitter) https://alexdelon.com