April 10, 2019 at 12:33 pm #657SammieParticipant
Yes, I am in your age group. I am planning a vicious divorce from the Narcissist in my life. I can’t wait to see the dumb fuck look on his face when he realizes I’m done. He likes to ruin my things. He puts holes in my clothes and stains them or they come up completely missing. He gets this weird satisfaction from ruining my clothing. He throws my bras away or causes the wire to come out and poke me.
In fact he has ruined most of my clothing on purpose.
Does the narcissist in your life ruin your clothes?
SammieApril 10, 2019 at 8:37 pm #658Thisisme.Participant
Hi Sammie, how long have you been together? Mine doesn’t destroy my clothes, but he’s destroyed his kids (all adults now) and me, bit by bit. It’s a long story.April 21, 2019 at 6:14 pm #2026UhuraParticipant
Hi Sammie, I am 50 and started divorve process today. Its been a lon g and lonely road to get here, finally I have support. It makes such a difference. Finally I can talk and actually be heard.
My soon to be ex does damage my clothes. I never thought it was deliberate though, just put it down to carelessness on his part but having read your comments I’m seeing things clearer now. No one could actually damage as many of my clothes by accident. My clothes get stained and other dissappear.April 26, 2019 at 10:01 pm #4554202051Participant
Hi. I’m 50. Been with my CN husband for 16 years. It’s getting beyond exhausting. I need to leave. I have three kids at home. My 15 year old daughter resents him so much now and rightfully so. I just know he will make me look like a crazy person. People do tend to really like him, though when he’s at home he mocks everyone saying how he’s so superior. He just had one of his tirades telling me how awful and useless I am…that I’m so lucky to be married to him because he’s the best husband. I don’t even know where to begin. The things he’s said and done are horrible. Most people could never imagine or comprehend.April 28, 2019 at 9:05 pm #6569
Hi 202051! I am so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. It is horrible how they treat us and causes so much damage to everyone involved. I hope that you and your kids are able to get help, support to get out as well as therapy to heal.
People who have not lived this themselves cannot understand what any of us are talking about. Sometimes I wish they could, but other times I realize how lucky they are to not get it.
Please take care of you and your kids. Every day, do the next right thing. Take one small step in the right direction! You are stronger than you think.September 24, 2019 at 9:14 pm #119211CharlotteParticipant
I am 58. My daughters are 21 and 23. I have been making a go with my CN for close to 30 years. The break started 4 years ago, but I wasn’t let in on it. He took a girlfriend and then progressed to moving AWAY from US and to a place that WE were never invited to. I thought we were taking a needed break, and that after a period of respite, I would reunite with him and seek the counseling we desperately-needed. Only, he never agreed to said counseling–why WOULD he??? he had a fucking live-in “substitute” for me!. Yeah, that’s what he called her. MY substitute. His girls are purchased, yet I love them. I see an attorney tomorrow, I will pull no punches.
I am sending love and support to every other person going through this.September 26, 2019 at 9:51 am #120367
Charlotte, I wish you all the best on this journey! You are stronger than you think and have much peace and happiness in front of you!October 1, 2019 at 9:48 pm #122083NarcfreenowParticipant
I’m 52. I am divorcing but still married. I guess next month marks our 28th year still not divorced. That’s funny! “Still not divorced” was my
main concern for our past ten anniversaries.
I made the moronic choice to stay with the Narc, “for the kids.” Good grief, what a blind fool I was. My kids are in their early 20s. They are having a very hard time with the truth about their dad and the truth that they were abused. They are doing what I did for 28 years. making excuses and avoiding the change and uncertainty of parting ways with him.
I left the Narc one year ago and filed for divorce in November. He has proven to be more of a self centered and self destructive lunatic than I ever imagined possible and I had imagined hell.
Finding the truth in the mountain of lies that I lived under for almost 3 decades, has been exhausting and devastating and I have been so ashamed of myself for staying there and keeping my children in that hell.
I’m glad to have a group over fifty to connect with.October 3, 2019 at 8:46 am #123990
I’m not quite 50 yet, but close to it. I also stayed for the kids. I thought it was the right choice, and I still wonder today if it was or not. There is no way to truly know. There are so many directions each situation could go.
Depending on the situation, divorcing when they are younger does not necessarily remove them from his abuse. I know my ex would have fought for custody, as much as he could get. Since physical abuse wasn’t happening, I believe he would have gotten 50/50. So then when the boys are with him, the abuse is still happening, but now they have no buffer or refuge around. I played peacemaker between them for years.
I don’t know the particulars of your situation, but don’t blame yourself too much. Once we are in these relationships and with kids, keeping them safe from it is nearly impossible. Be there for them in the healing process. Lead the way with your own healing. I highly recommend the book called The Journey by Meredith Miller. It is extremely insightful and has helped me tremendously. I wish you and your kids much peace on this journey of recovery!October 6, 2019 at 4:49 pm #127904Anonymous
I just turned 50 and my life is caving in because my covert narc husband’s carefully constructed world was disrupted this summer, which led to the disintigration of our marriage. He has become vicious, is trying to get control back in cruel ways, is gaslighting me. Can I join you?October 6, 2019 at 5:37 pm #127939
Yes of course you can join us. Remember that you are stronger than you think! Everyday take one more right step. Some steps are small and some are bigger. But just do whatever is the next right thing. This whole journey is simply one step at a time!
Let us know how we can help. We wish you much peace on this journey of recovery and healing!October 6, 2019 at 7:40 pm #128024Anonymous
Thank you! I appreciate you so much.
We separated at the beginning of August. He manipulated and bullied his way back into the house, even though his friend offered him unlimited use of his guest house and his mother lives alone in a 3-bedroom house. So now he’s sleeping in our daughter’s room (she’s away at college now). We alternate who can’t come home till 9 at night. I don’t want to look at him, much less be in the same house with him, but here we are.
He’s low on the CN spectrum. Does still have some aspects of being a decent human being, along with his abusive, sociopathic parts. I don’t know which will show itself from minute to minute. When it comes to the divorce, he would really like for the two of us to go see the same lawyer/mediator together to cut down on costs and necessity of court appearances. I don’t know how it is in other states, but it’s definitely way cheaper to go to a lawyer together in Vermont. And if we get separate lawyers, we’d have to go to court several times. That will be hard for me since I’m planning on moving 3000 miles away in February. Unless we can get all this done before then (there is still a 6-mo wait period here). He has been very cooperative and accommodating with the divorce specifics we have discussed (once by phone and the rest by text). He has said all he wants is 50/50 and just to get it done. Me, too.
But I don’t trust him. Is he sincere or is he buttering me up? The Amazon Kindle store will show you books based on recent search histories. The other day I went in to look for something and the suggestions it gave me were books on alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I’m afraid he’s got something up his sleeve to spring on me during the divorce stuff. He swears he didn’t search those topics, but I don’t believe him.
Should I get my own lawyer? I should, shouldn’t I? I’m just so afraid of it being so expensive that I’ll have almost nothing left when I move and try to start over…October 7, 2019 at 12:34 pm #128714
Your situation is so similar to how mine was. When it came the actual divorce, he was extremely cooperative. He also wanted us to only use one attorney. I agreed to this under one condition. In our state, the attorney has to represent one of us, and the other one is considered self-represented. I wanted to be the one represented because my knowledge of the law and finances and such was more limited than his. I wanted to have someone who could give me fair guidance through all of this. I also agreed to play fair as well.
He didn’t have anything up his sleeve. As a CN, he wanted to “look” like the good guy here. So he played very fair. He wanted to make sure he was the “caring” husband. And I was very willing to let him look that way. I just wanted out as quickly as possible. Our divorce only took just over 3 months, and it was about as smooth as I could have hoped for.
I’m not saying this is how it will be for you, but it is possible. My therapist gave me a great word of advice. He said that narcissists hate it when you are right about anything. So before you approach them with a tough conversation, tell him, “Now, I know you are going to react negatively to this…” Or “I know this is going to make you mad…” Or something like that. Now when you say what it is you need to say, he won’t react just to prove you wrong. They can’t stand for you to be right! This helped tremendously. It kept some conversations from erupting that otherwise would have.
Much peace to you!!October 8, 2019 at 7:21 pm #129870Anonymous
Oh, thank you! That makes me feel better. Hopefully, that’s how it will go for me, too. He certainly has been working hard to look like the hero through all this (at my expense, mostly), so hopefully that will continue to hold true through the divorce proceedings. And thank you for the great advice about how to get him to try to prove me wrong! That made me laugh, but I know I’ll be using it.October 16, 2019 at 12:53 pm #141913InthemixParticipant
Thank you for this forum, and for the comments in this group so far. I have been married for 20 years to a CV, but didn’t really know what was going on (kinda thought I was crazy, as he is liked by people in social settings – I also like him in social settings when we are not speaking directly to each other:)), and my second child of two is almost two years from graduating high school. I have been focused on the balance between not arguing with my spouse, and ensuring my children understand what is right and wrong in a healthy relationship.
In last few years I have learned the difference between narcissism and covert narcissism without express abusive words (saying “idiot” vs smirking, or responding negatively to a request vs a sigh or silence). It has been a tough but enlightening journey.
I am planning my journey to separation within a couple years, with more education to re-increase my pay level (I made much more before we moved and I didn’t work for almost a decade).
Thank you Renee about your point that I can approach a tough conversation with “now I know this may make you mad”. That makes SO much sense!
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