I Survived the Day of Divorce
So my divorce is finally done! Our court date was 2 days ago, and it’s over. This was a day that I thought would never actually get here. I’ve known for years that it was coming. The verbal and emotional abuse was never going to stop. The psychological games were only getting worse. Leaving was my only option.
As the day was approaching, I wondered how I would feel. Will I cry? Will I be happy? What will I say? What will it be like? How will it go?
He moved out 9 days before our court date. I was so relieved to have him gone. I spent a week cleaning my home like never before. The house is so much fresher. The air is cleaner. I have now been sleeping better, eating better, and am genuinely happier.
But in the back of my mind, our court date was still looming. The day before court, everything hit me like a truck. I was at work in the middle of the afternoon. I had been feeling great, and the divorce wasn’t even on my mind. Out of nowhere, I was all of a sudden completely overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and I instantly started running a fever. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.
I actually thought to myself, “So this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.” A million thoughts ran through my mind. Can I go through with this? Am I strong enough? What if I pass out? Is this actually going to kill me? As the day went on, my mind started replaying everything from the last 21 years of my life. I was powerless to stop it. I saw all the pain, all the abuse, all the good times, all the bad times, the abusive way he treated our kids, my helplessness and hopelessness. I truly thought I was losing my mind.
Sleep that night was impossible. My mind simply would NOT rest. By now, I knew that my body was collapsing from the stress. My neck burned with fever, my throat was killing me, and my head was super foggy. I had to get this over with, or it was going to kill me.
Thankfully, our court time was early the next morning. My husband was there when I arrived. We instantly put on that front that we had been living for so long. The front we always showed the world that said we got along great. It was like we were old friends and had no problems. I know this lie well and simply cannot live it any longer.
As I stood in front of the judge, my heart pounded in my chest. I answered my attorney’s questions, barely hearing them at all. It was quick, and then it was over. Within 5 minutes, we were divorced. Just like that. No fanfare, no strike of the gavel, no announcement. Just the signature of one man, and I was now free.
Free to do what I wanted. Free to be me. So I went home. To MY home. Too exhausted to be happy. Too sick to celebrate. Too sad to breathe. Too empty to find me. I simply went home.
I was in the biggest fog of my life. I wondered if my head would ever work right again. Will my heart ever recover? I felt about as sick as I ever have.
I simply had to give myself some genuine love and attention. I called a very dear friend of mine and asked her to go to lunch with me. Though she knew everything that was going on, we didn’t talk about the divorce. We talked about life. We sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and simply enjoyed our friendship. It was so refreshing!
Over the next 2 days, I focused on my own healing. I’ve enjoyed coffee with my girlfriends, as well as peaceful bubble baths at night, alone. I’ve prayed and meditated throughout my day. I’ve read daily inspirational passages. I’ve chatted with old friends, watched old tv shows, and listened to old music. I’ve done things that are good for my soul.
My body, mind and heart are responding so well to the extra love. The sickness is disappearing almost as quickly as it hit. Every day I seem to be waking up more clear-headed than the day before. Today is the clearest my head has been in months, maybe years. I am so eager to continue this journey now. This little taste of clear-ness has made me SO hungry for it. I want to live the rest of my days focused on whatever is healthy and peaceful.
I still have a long ways to go in the journey of healing, but I do feel that I am off to a great start. I will take this in baby steps. I feel motivation returning and eagerness to enjoy life again. I now begin the journey of the rest of my life!!
No matter where you are in this process, I desire to walk the journey with you. We may all go through it differently, but we ALL need support by our side. I had people I could lean on every step of the way. I feel blessed by that. I will be that support for anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, or a reassuring voice that you are not crazy.
If I can do this, so can you!!
Hello,
Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. I actually have a minor in psychology from 1986 when I was working on a bachelors degree in psychiatric nursing. The title of narcissism was predominantly female who was overtaken by self loathing and self love. Since then there has been a major shift in the description of narcissism. It’s like an evil that exists in and by itself. About the degree of narcissism. Is there different levels or different categories for the illness? I’m asking because I have not read about that in my research. Neither have any of the postings mentioned different degrees. Not that it would make a difference, abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes on. From the slightest to the most horrible. No one should be subjected to any form of abuse. I don’t know what type of abuse you could call this. I am not sure if it is even abuse. I am watched every single minute of every day. I am copied at every level.. Every single thing I have said I liked has been destroyed or came up missing completely. I spend the majority of my time cleaning up messes or fixing things that have been broken. Which is constantly happening. Examples are… I have a 55 gallon fresh water aquarium. that needs regular maintenance. I put in the effort to change the water and all the filters. Then not even 48 hours and the water is cloudy. Confusing as it was I decided to monitor the fish food . Than it went from that to the pumps being broken to chalk being put in the tank to dirt to who knows what. Another example is my clothes end up with holes poked in them or a stain of grease that will not come out. My bras literally disappear. I won’t mention my makeup because that’s a topic of its own. The food I eat gets sugar put in it because I mentioned going on a diet. It’s crazy to live this way. My computer equipment gets sabotaged regularly as with my hobbies and the things I like. If I buy my favorite foods they disappear from the cub board. The thing hardest to deal with is that I am constantly lied to on every level and there is no respect. All is done covertly.
Sammie
Hey Sammie,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hate it for anyone and everyone. One of the descriptions I use of covert abuse is abuse that is designed to cause the other person to always have their guard up, to never feel safe enough to relax in life. The lack of providing emotional safety to someone we love is wrong and abusive! When it is done covertly, it is so easy then for the abusive person to deny it. They can say they didn’t do it, that it was an accident, or that they were misunderstood.
In regards to difference degrees of narcissism, absolutely! There is a great book that explains this well. It is Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin. Narcissism runs on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is narcissism and at the other end is codependency. Either end is a problem and detrimental to relationships. In the middle is a healthy range. You should read that book. It was extremely helpful to me.
-Renee
Tell me, after being married for so long, how could you handle the sudden aloneness? Did you have moments when the stillness of being alone became too lonely and memories of some of the good times made you consider contacting your ex again (even though logically you know this is not a wise idea)?
My husband and I have a young child and for that reason, I feel the lesser of two evils is for me to stay and do damage control. I am 40 and part of me has thoughts of the future and the promise of freedom from this psychological abuse. Yet I can’t help but wonder if the loneliness of that freedom might be unbearable (that’s not to say that the loneliness I feel in his presence is by any means pleasant). I also wonder if I will ever be able to trust that a healthy relationship is actually possible.
Hey Beansmom,
You ask the same questions I asked myself for years. I also stayed because I believed it was the lesser of two evils. I will never know if that was the right choice or not. The damage control for my kids was extensive, and we are still facing that.
In regards to being alone, that has been a huge appeal to me for a long time. I have many people who are an active part of my life, so I am never really lacking for someone to do something with. But when I am home in an empty house, I am very happy too. I am more productive than I have been in years. The healing that has happened has been amazing, and I know there is more to come. I was far more lonely in my marriage than after it was over.
Going back to him has NEVER crossed my mind. Before the divorce was over, I asked myself a million times if I was doing the right thing. Fortunately there was never a shortage of reminders from my husband of why divorce was necessary. I could always count on him to do something that made me say to myself, “This is exactly why I can’t stay.”
Trusting a healthy relationship?? I’m not there yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be. Right now, that is okay with me. I can’t answer for the future, but I like my NOW.
Sorry I took so long to answer you. I have been on a much needed vacation! But now I am back and ready to move forward on this journey.