My Personal Belongings

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  • #14081
    Sammie
    Participant

    My Husband was able to hide that he had severe psychological problems of the Narcissist type for the first 13 years of our marriage. Once I started to research and learn about Narcissism so many unanswered and unsolved issues were now in perspective for me. This gave me a sense of hope and the insanity was not so insane as it once was for me on a grand scale. For years I spent the majority of my time in thought rehearsing and going over each and every detail of this event or that event. I spent so much of my time trying to make things better for us , for our marriage that I lost myself along the way. Over the process of time I abandoned all my goals, my hopes, and my dreams, along with every outside relationship I had with others. This included family as well. During my period of isolation I plunged into finding answers to questions like; “Where did my charcoal drawings disappear to?” “How did my collection of snow globes end up scattered about broken, chipped, and no way to repair them?” “How is it possible to have a bran new dress that was never worn have a huge stain across the front chest area?” “How did my favorite pair of jeans get bleach splattered on them?” “Why is all my rayon clothing in the dryer?” “I just spent all day cleaning my 55 gallon fresh water aquarium and over night it goes from crystal clear water to a mucky cloudy brownish colored water?” These type of things were constantly happening to me along with being gas lighted when I asked where a particular item of mine went. The response I would get was that I had moved the item or I had thrown the item away or “No I don’t know anything about it!” There was even a time when I was yelled at and belittled to the point I felt “stupid” to ask. It wasn’t until many years later that I came to the acceptance that my Husband was the one ruining my things. He was the one responsible for all the assaults on nearly every thing I owned. This was especially true for the items I deemed as “special” or my “favorite”. He would urinate on my blankets, pillows and my stuffed animals. The tactics He used to control me went as far as being stalked constantly as to who I was talking to, what I was doing on the computer, to even keeping me down financially by disrupting my employment. I will rise above this one day and when I look back it will no longer be black and white but full color and clarity.
    Sammie

Viewing 8 replies - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #14221
    Renee Swanson
    Participant

    Hey Sammie, that is an absolutely exhausting way to live! I am so glad that you were able to get your eyes open to your reality. I am so sorry for what you have been through. You definitely will rise above this one day!! I can hear that in your words!
    Are you still in the relationship? Or have you been able to get out?

    #14516
    Sammie
    Participant

    Hey Renee, The situation is far worse than one could imagine. Having your life and the material things attached that makes you unique has absolutely no value to the Narcissist other than being useful weapons to hurt you once again. Prior to the knowledge that has redefined my life I was close to a mental breakdown of mass proportions. Largely because I developed my own hypothesis about the universe totally against me. I was clueless that the man I just had sex with was the same man poking holes in my clothing and urinating on my blankets and pillows. While I was on the brink of shutting down mentally there were 4 or 5 major incidents/accidents that could have taken my life or the loss of a limb. At that time I was never fearful for my safety and well-being. Now that Narcissism is revealed I am constantly in a state of fear because these were preplanned. Not mere accidents or happen to be a coincidence. I am still in the marriage and have not been able to financially get out. I have several options that involve me staying with others and that I will not do because it would put them in harms way. Food for thought.. are all Narcissist this physically destructive? I have not found any articles on this behavior.
    Sammie

    #14704
    Renee Swanson
    Participant

    Hey Sammie, I have heard of some narcissists being physically destructive like this. It does not apply to all of them. The abuse comes out in different ways, though many of the underlying issues are the same. I will dig around a bit in the next few days and see if I can find information for you specifically on that.
    It sounds like you are in physical danger. Have you reached out to local authorities for help? There are shelters, and they are there for situations like this. Are kids involved?
    I wish you much peace on this journey!! Hang in there. You are stronger than you think!

    #15706
    Sammie
    Participant

    Hello Renee,
    I wanted to touch bases with you about a couple other areas that concern the Narcissist and their covert ways. First, I wonder what it is that they (mine in particular) see in you which causes them to pursue you. Second, When a situation would ultimately benefit them, they will still do things to sabotage the person? Third, is there any time the real person they are or could be available? Fourth, do they conceal everything about them or mask themselves to who they want to be? Fifth, why do they constantly have to have their eyes on “their victim” , wife etc..?
    The bases to my questions are; I was independently single and had been for 12 years. I was not interested in a relationship, period. He pursued me hard.
    I have over the course of the marriage initiated several things. One was a small business working from home. Went to on line college for an Associates degree. I worked on line to get 2 state insurance licenses to sell insurance. He worked overtime doing things to cause me to fail. I was mentally exhausted and frustrated to no end so I stopped the small business. I barely finished my degree. I did graduate but felt like all my brain cells were close to burn out. I did finish the State licensees for life & disability but by the time I completed I had no energy left. There are times that I see a loving caring person but it does not last long. I notice often that he will mimic someone else. Well, most of the time he is like an actor on stage performing. Pertaining to the last question. Our home is circular and arranged fairly comfortable. I watch his behavior and I see that he will sit where he can watch everything I do. Like if I am cooking or busy doing laundry etc..
    The answer to your questions. Yes, in the past he has been arrested and had no contact orders. The Judge sent him to anger management and other classes he went through. He manipulated the Judge and dragged me into one of those classes. Then like art work he shifted the whole thing around where the finger pointed to me. This was all before I learned about His psychosis. Oh by the way I spent 29 years working in nursing and I have 2 minors one in psychology and the other chemistry. I met him when I was 32. There are no children. My daughter got breast cancer and passed away at 24.
    I appreciate that you are knowledgeable as I am just learning about Narcissist. When I was in college they taught that Narcissist was a overly conceited female who was in love with herself and her image.

    Thank you,
    Sammie

    #17602
    Renee Swanson
    Participant

    Hey Sammie-
    You ask what it is that they see in you that draws them to you. In many of these relationships, what they see is someone who is willing to sacrifice their own needs and put the narcissist first. Often this is someone with high empathy. We are very in tune to the emotional needs of our partner and willing to do ANYTHING to help them. We make it our mission in life to help this person. So this is a great deal for a narcissistic person. They have someone who will take complete responsibility for the relationship and beyond. We take it upon ourselves to help them look good, to help them have good relationships with others, and to be a successful adult. I worked over-time trying to make sure my husband had a good relationship with our boys.
    However, we soon realize that we are fighting a hopeless battle. You can’t help a person have good relationships when they are working hard to destroy those relationships. It’s impossible. But for the narcissist it is great. You see, now you have done so much work for them, AND they have someone to blame when things go wrong. They do not have to take any responsibility because it all lays on you.
    Why do they still sabotage things? For starters because they cannot allow you to be successful. If you are successful, this makes them feel bad and their jealousy flares. So ultimately they don’t want you to succeed, even if that success is of great benefit to them. They know deep inside that you are the reason for the success, and they simply can’t handle that. It makes them feel inferior to you and even more like a failure.
    Is there anytime the real person comes out? Yes, I have seen glimpses of the real person under the mask with my ex. He opened up and showed vulnerability and trust to me, something rarely seen in narcissistic people. One time in particular was very memorable. I felt closer to him than I ever did in my entire marriage of 21 years. I begged him to keep his heart open like this so we could connect on a deeper level and repair our marriage. He instantly shut back up and told me that he had no clue what I was talking about. I never saw it again from that point forward. His protective mask became incredibly strong and unbearable. Our marriage ended about 3 years later.
    Why do they constantly have their eyes on their victim? Narcissistic people see everything as a competition. Every conversation, every interaction, every relationship and so on. They chose you because they saw strength, especially emotional strength, in you. They try desperately then to cling to you, perhaps in order for that strength to rub off on them. The competitiveness in them causes them to judge themselves against you. They keep you close to make sure you don’t outdo them and so they can take as much credit as they can for anything and everything.
    I hope this all makes sense. It’s just my take on what you ask. All of this goes much deeper, so definitely continue exploring to find the answers you seek. Narcissism has so many different aspects to it and comes in many different shapes and sizes. Yet with all the differences, the underlying issues seem to be much the same. They are an empty pit of worthlessness and shame. Those feelings are so intense that they bury them deep inside and build a fake persona of strength, confidence, arrogance, entitlement, superiority, and a complete lack of empathy for others, especially for any form of weakness.

    #18629
    Sammie
    Participant

    I was listening to videos about Narcissist, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths. The three are so mingled in similarities it’s hard to distinguish each. All three don’t have compassion and to top it off they don’t think anything is wrong or different about them. I was hoping to find information about the destructive Narcissist and the origin. What causes the abnormalities or were they born with that type of personality. Or if it is even a personality. I have definitely seen a different behavior. For example the way my Narcissist talks and interacts with other people compared to his interactions with me. His approach is completely different. He talks normal to others. He follows through with what he says. He obviously can control his self but wants me to believe otherwise. That must be just another game or tactic to try and hurt me with. Narcissist are amazing people in the worst kind of way.

    #22226
    Sammie
    Participant

    Yesterday was another disappointing experience. Try as I may, not letting things affect me on an emotional level is far more difficult than one realizes..
    I have been striving to find activities for Isaiah and I (Isaiah is my Grandson) where we can break free from the hum drum and have quality time together. I especially want to make sure Isaiah has plenty of time to reflect and come to terms with the loss of his Momma. I had everything ready to go. As we were pulling out of the driveway I noticed there was something wrong with the steering system. I stopped and got out of the car. Well, so much for our adventure. There was not just one flat tire but all 4 tires were flat. I certainly don’t have to elaborate on this. Here I go again another day the Narcissist wins! To all reading this. Have a happy and blessed Mother’s Day!
    Sammie

    #22227
    Renee Swanson
    Participant

    Wow, all 4 tires! Nothing subtle about that. I’m sorry to hear this. I hope that you and your grandson were still able to find some happy time together today. Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

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