My Husband was able to hide that he had severe psychological problems of the Narcissist type for the first 13 years of our marriage. Once I started to research and learn about Narcissism so many unanswered and unsolved issues were now in perspective for me. This gave me a sense of hope and the insanity was not so insane as it once was for me on a grand scale. For years I spent the majority of my time in thought rehearsing and going over each and every detail of this event or that event. I spent so much of my time trying to make things better for us , for our marriage that I lost myself along the way. Over the process of time I abandoned all my goals, my hopes, and my dreams, along with every outside relationship I had with others. This included family as well. During my period of isolation I plunged into finding answers to questions like; “Where did my charcoal drawings disappear to?” “How did my collection of snow globes end up scattered about broken, chipped, and no way to repair them?” “How is it possible to have a bran new dress that was never worn have a huge stain across the front chest area?” “How did my favorite pair of jeans get bleach splattered on them?” “Why is all my rayon clothing in the dryer?” “I just spent all day cleaning my 55 gallon fresh water aquarium and over night it goes from crystal clear water to a mucky cloudy brownish colored water?” These type of things were constantly happening to me along with being gas lighted when I asked where a particular item of mine went. The response I would get was that I had moved the item or I had thrown the item away or “No I don’t know anything about it!” There was even a time when I was yelled at and belittled to the point I felt “stupid” to ask. It wasn’t until many years later that I came to the acceptance that my Husband was the one ruining my things. He was the one responsible for all the assaults on nearly every thing I owned. This was especially true for the items I deemed as “special” or my “favorite”. He would urinate on my blankets, pillows and my stuffed animals. The tactics He used to control me went as far as being stalked constantly as to who I was talking to, what I was doing on the computer, to even keeping me down financially by disrupting my employment. I will rise above this one day and when I look back it will no longer be black and white but full color and clarity.
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