My Personal Belongings
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Topic
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My Husband was able to hide that he had severe psychological problems of the Narcissist type for the first 13 years of our marriage. Once I started to research and learn about Narcissism so many unanswered and unsolved issues were now in perspective for me. This gave me a sense of hope and the insanity was not so insane as it once was for me on a grand scale. For years I spent the majority of my time in thought rehearsing and going over each and every detail of this event or that event. I spent so much of my time trying to make things better for us , for our marriage that I lost myself along the way. Over the process of time I abandoned all my goals, my hopes, and my dreams, along with every outside relationship I had with others. This included family as well. During my period of isolation I plunged into finding answers to questions like; “Where did my charcoal drawings disappear to?” “How did my collection of snow globes end up scattered about broken, chipped, and no way to repair them?” “How is it possible to have a bran new dress that was never worn have a huge stain across the front chest area?” “How did my favorite pair of jeans get bleach splattered on them?” “Why is all my rayon clothing in the dryer?” “I just spent all day cleaning my 55 gallon fresh water aquarium and over night it goes from crystal clear water to a mucky cloudy brownish colored water?” These type of things were constantly happening to me along with being gas lighted when I asked where a particular item of mine went. The response I would get was that I had moved the item or I had thrown the item away or “No I don’t know anything about it!” There was even a time when I was yelled at and belittled to the point I felt “stupid” to ask. It wasn’t until many years later that I came to the acceptance that my Husband was the one ruining my things. He was the one responsible for all the assaults on nearly every thing I owned. This was especially true for the items I deemed as “special” or my “favorite”. He would urinate on my blankets, pillows and my stuffed animals. The tactics He used to control me went as far as being stalked constantly as to who I was talking to, what I was doing on the computer, to even keeping me down financially by disrupting my employment. I will rise above this one day and when I look back it will no longer be black and white but full color and clarity.
Sammie
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Replies
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Hey Sammie, that is an absolutely exhausting way to live! I am so glad that you were able to get your eyes open to your reality. I am so sorry for what you have been through. You definitely will rise above this one day!! I can hear that in your words!
Are you still in the relationship? Or have you been able to get out?Hey Sammie, I have heard of some narcissists being physically destructive like this. It does not apply to all of them. The abuse comes out in different ways, though many of the underlying issues are the same. I will dig around a bit in the next few days and see if I can find information for you specifically on that.
It sounds like you are in physical danger. Have you reached out to local authorities for help? There are shelters, and they are there for situations like this. Are kids involved?
I wish you much peace on this journey!! Hang in there. You are stronger than you think!Hey Sammie-
You ask what it is that they see in you that draws them to you. In many of these relationships, what they see is someone who is willing to sacrifice their own needs and put the narcissist first. Often this is someone with high empathy. We are very in tune to the emotional needs of our partner and willing to do ANYTHING to help them. We make it our mission in life to help this person. So this is a great deal for a narcissistic person. They have someone who will take complete responsibility for the relationship and beyond. We take it upon ourselves to help them look good, to help them have good relationships with others, and to be a successful adult. I worked over-time trying to make sure my husband had a good relationship with our boys.
However, we soon realize that we are fighting a hopeless battle. You can’t help a person have good relationships when they are working hard to destroy those relationships. It’s impossible. But for the narcissist it is great. You see, now you have done so much work for them, AND they have someone to blame when things go wrong. They do not have to take any responsibility because it all lays on you.
Why do they still sabotage things? For starters because they cannot allow you to be successful. If you are successful, this makes them feel bad and their jealousy flares. So ultimately they don’t want you to succeed, even if that success is of great benefit to them. They know deep inside that you are the reason for the success, and they simply can’t handle that. It makes them feel inferior to you and even more like a failure.
Is there anytime the real person comes out? Yes, I have seen glimpses of the real person under the mask with my ex. He opened up and showed vulnerability and trust to me, something rarely seen in narcissistic people. One time in particular was very memorable. I felt closer to him than I ever did in my entire marriage of 21 years. I begged him to keep his heart open like this so we could connect on a deeper level and repair our marriage. He instantly shut back up and told me that he had no clue what I was talking about. I never saw it again from that point forward. His protective mask became incredibly strong and unbearable. Our marriage ended about 3 years later.
Why do they constantly have their eyes on their victim? Narcissistic people see everything as a competition. Every conversation, every interaction, every relationship and so on. They chose you because they saw strength, especially emotional strength, in you. They try desperately then to cling to you, perhaps in order for that strength to rub off on them. The competitiveness in them causes them to judge themselves against you. They keep you close to make sure you don’t outdo them and so they can take as much credit as they can for anything and everything.
I hope this all makes sense. It’s just my take on what you ask. All of this goes much deeper, so definitely continue exploring to find the answers you seek. Narcissism has so many different aspects to it and comes in many different shapes and sizes. Yet with all the differences, the underlying issues seem to be much the same. They are an empty pit of worthlessness and shame. Those feelings are so intense that they bury them deep inside and build a fake persona of strength, confidence, arrogance, entitlement, superiority, and a complete lack of empathy for others, especially for any form of weakness.Wow, all 4 tires! Nothing subtle about that. I’m sorry to hear this. I hope that you and your grandson were still able to find some happy time together today. Happy Mother’s Day to you too!
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