My Young Adult Kids are avoiding me.

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    I left my marriage of 30 years last year. My kids are in their early 20’s. They don’t want to know any of the truth that I have uncovered about our abuser. They know that he is a narc. They know that they need better boundaries. But their first steps toward healthy boundaries includes having nothing to do with me while the Narc unleashes all of his fury and all of his flying monkeys and shows up with a girlfriend that I didn’t know about that he had been with for 2 years prior to my leaving. My kids have kept in contact with the flying monkeys which only makes me more vulnerable.
    Part of the abuse is that there is never a witness to to truth about the abuse and the truth about the Narc. Now that I have started to recover from the brainwashing and I have started to piece together the truth about him and his satanic drive to destroy everyone in his household, I am desperate for my kids to confer with me about the differences between the lies that we were told and the truth of who he actually is and what he is truly all about. I am also desperate to know that they have not been manipulated by the narc or the flying monkeys to believe whatever storyline the narc wants to portray.
    When I discovered that he had been supporting the girlfriend while telling the kids and me that he couldn’t help them with college costs I was devastated. I wanted the kids to know what kind of jackass he is so that they can start to sift through their own brainwashing and abuse and anchor it to reality.
    Over the last year I have broken down about four times and told them what he is and was really up to. The sheriff came to the door to serve me an emergency protective order for going into my house ONE TIME in 4 months with the key to get MY CLOTHES. He filed harassment charges against me while I have had little to nothing to do with him since I moved out. It’s all complete and utter bullshit, but you have to pay about $2,000 everytime that you have to get in front of the judge to clear your name.
    He has spent at least 45K in the last year just to harass me with ridiculous accusations that will go nowhere in court but they end up costing a ton of money to deal with through these $300 hr attorneys. I have spent about 24K in the past 12 months with my attorney answering ridiculous charges and the divorce has not even gotten started yet.
    Anyway, last week I told my kids that I had discovered that the girlfriend moved in 2 weeks after I had spent 30 years under his abuse with him begging me all the while not to divorce him. In that two weeks he gave her $4,000 cash. I also told my kids that now he will not relent and let me have my car which the girlfriend is driving, I had been driving a work vehicle. So we have to go to court and pay $6,000 at a hearing so that I can get the judge to allow me to have my $10,000 car.
    It’s been one week since I told my kids about that. I tried to call two days later and they never answered and they never returned my calls. These are the exact same kids that I called me 3-5 times a week when they were in college. These are the same kids that I home schooled and counseled and gave my blood sweat and tears for. They know that my whole life for the past 25 years has been dedicated to their success, their own autonomy and their futures. I know that they are confused and saddened but I have been mind-fucked for 30 years while I gave every ounce of energy that I had to my kids, and I really need someone who was there to talk to. No one else can understand.
    I’m sure someone will read this and say, “Oh they are young, they are hurting, they will come around” But I gave my life for them. I stupidly subjected all of us to abuse believing that I was doing the best thing for them. There is so much toxic bullshit to wade through and it makes sense to me to talk it out with the ones who experienced it. I am so lonely and feel so rejected by my kids, we were so incredibly close and now they are so distant. I never dreamed that I would have a holiday-only family. My kids always said that they wanted to live in the same town as me when they had kids so that I could do the fun things with there kids that we did together. Now they don’t hardly call. That is such a huge change from the way we have always been. The Narc has a girlfriend, he has the high paying job, my job was being a single parent and working part time while he built his high paying career. Now he has all the money, and all the job skills. He is in our house, driving our cars, and has a girlfriend of 3 years for all the fun and games and still has me to abuse. Without my kids, what is the point?
    Wouldn’t the narc love to see me this way.
    Nothing would make him happier than to know that this year has driven a wedge between us. He was always the outsider. He would be so delighted to know that I feel shunned.

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    Alex Delon

    I am SO sorry to hear all this! It is an incredibly painful journey, for sure.

    Your kids are at a tough phase in their life too. Early 20’s are hard under healthy circumstances, let alone in the midst of abuse.

    I firmly believe that the best thing we can do for our kids is to work on our own internal healing. You have been abused and you are wounded, as are they. Don’t lean on them for healing. Join the online support groups, find a therapist, open up to a friend, read and research on PTSD, and start loving and forgiving yourself.

    I know you said that you want to talk this all through with them because they were there. I get it. I know that strong desire. But they were kids, still are in a way, and this is their father. Their perspective of everything is very different than yours, and that is normal. Talk this out with others who lived it as the wife and mom. They will relate with your situation and perspective much more! Here is a link to our main support group. You will find many such women there. The group is a closed group for privacy purposes.

    As you heal and gain more internal strength, your kids will notice on their own. They will be attracted to your strength and sense of peace. Remember, you have nothing to prove or defend to them. It sounds like they don’t want you to continue trying to. I think they will better respect your genuine confidence in yourself and in them. Yes it will take time, patience, and faith. But in the long run, it will be so worth all the hard work of healing and recovering.

    Here is a blog post that I just wrote yesterday. I think it applies to your situation, and I hope it helps.
    Blog post




    I hear you! The turning point for me and my relationship with my young adult children was when I stopped being “desperate” for validation from them. The previous reply is SPOT ON. The sooner you let go of needing the kids to validate you, and effectively take sides, the sooner they will come back to you. Focus on healing yourself with the help of a therapist who understands the damage narcissistic abuse does to a person. While you are in this traumatised, unhealthy state it’s probably very hard for them to be around you. Even though you’re not the narcissist you probably unwittingly suck the life out of them with your desperation. Heal yourself first and foremost until you radiate inner peace and joy. The rest will follow. I promise!
    Sent with love because I know how traumatising it is when the kids seem to side with the person who has caused you so much pain. It heaps pain on top of pain. They are in a very difficult position themselves and don’t yet have the maturity or life experience to know how to deal with it but know this…. they love you!

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