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Reading this post made me feel like I was reading about my own husband exactly. Covert narcissism is a horrible curse on a marriage. My therapist said in order to stay married to someone like my husband you almost have to become so small, so identity-less. That terrifies me.
Good luck to you. These posts give me strength!I feel like I finally found a place that makes sense to me. I’ve been reading so much it has overwhelmed me. Lots of books tell you how to deal with a covert narcissist, but at 45 with 3 teenage children and a 20 year marriage, I am struggling with the idea that this is my fate. Especially when I see the long road ahead of me. If I could have an authentic relationship with this man, I find myself wondering could I ever be attracted to him again.
I have know him and his family forever, but we always loved in different states until he moved to my state to date me. I should have known then because he didn’t listen to me when I asked him not to move here. I had just called off my wedding to another man less than a year prior to that I wasn’t ready. A month after he moved here I found out I was pregnant. He was happy. I was scared. But marriage was a very cultural expectation of my Italian American family and so I married him while I was five months pregnant.
I have to say there were lots of times I had red flags looking back, but I had no idea. He’s very smart. Very sweet. Very loving. He’s also very controlling, defensive, arguementive, passive aggressive, blaming, etc. he literally does all of the things a covert narcissist does. It’s seems to have gotten worse over the years.
Now my older daughters question the way he talks to me. I’m worried my son will think this is how men should behave. I want out but I’m scared he will ruin me.
I cheated on him once. He’ll never let me forget it. It was my worst mistake. I know it was wrong, my father had died and he was not a support for me except when he was dying. After that it was back to him taking care of his needs. And I cheated. I needed to feel a connection with someone.
He said he forgave me. But it comes up every year for seven years whenever I get upset about something. How dare I talk about a mistake he made. My mistakes are the worst and I’m lucky he forgave me.
I should have left then. I should have left before I cheated but I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I thought I was crazy. His circular talk, gaslighting all of it was sending me into panic attacks. I was so depressed.
I’m sorry to type so much. Maybe I don’t fit here because I cheated which is what narcissists seem to do too, but I am so relieved (and disheartened) to find that I am not alone in this very confusing marriage.
It makes me less scared. I am also curious about the mother’s of these men. I feel like my husband got worse when his mother moved up here to be near him. She seems like a narcissist too, and their relationship borders on inappropriate to me.
Thank you for listening. I have an appointment with the therapist who was our marriage counselor that he says is biased. So now I see her alone. I recently started recording our conversations and arguments so I am hoping she can help me understand what I am dealing with a little more today.
All the best to everyone on here. And thank you Renee…it was your incredibly well written blog that intrigued me into joining. Your words often speak my heart!