Crazy-Making
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Topic
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He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!
HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.
HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.
HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.
HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.
HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.
HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.
Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!
But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!
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Replies
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I look back and realize I created some of the crazy in my relationship! When I saw that the kids were frightened of their dad when he yelled at them, I resolved to find reasons that worked for him, as to why he needed to change. I told him the kids would listen to him if he took a breath before speaking, and other adults would see him as a great dad. But I didn’t think of any reasons he accepted that had him speaking more nicely to me. I backed out of fun times so that daddy could be seen as the fun one. Except I don’t have those fun times as memories with my kids.
I now back off of my requests for my own needs, and he thinks our relationship has gotten better…only it really is that I’ve given up asking for a while. He sees so black and white that when I say that I still need x, y and z, suddenly his world is upside down and I’m the cause.
I’m helping him get through a major surgery – making dinners, massaging a leg, getting ice packs – and after the first day all I could think about was that he would come to expect this, and act so put out when I expected him to start pitching in again (not that it is ever even, but I do make requests).
Coming up, he will be traveling for fun and work the first two+ weeks of December. I said that in this case we both need to make sure that gifts are purchased and mailed before his trips. Of course I do 95% of it each year anyways, so I expect him to find excuses not to do anything, or to get upset about something else so that I stop asking. And then if I buy and wrap gifts on my own, he gets upset that he was not informed.
And already I’m thinking ahead to something that hasn’t happened, and trying to prepare myself, and to brace myself for his inaction or his grumpy responses. Much of my head space is still thinking ahead of what I should or shouldn’t do or say. Ah! it really is crazy-making!
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