Almost adult child dealing with stress and hate…
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Topic
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My oldest son is 17, about to be 18 in a couple weeks. He is a senior and trying to figure out what he wants to do in college along with where he wants to go. He is also the oldest of 4. My daughter is 16 almost 17. They are only 15 months apart. My husband is text book covert narc and dealing with any kind of emotions is a no go. I also realize how I suppressed his confusing feelings when my husband would put him down and I would just try to take away the pain so he “wouldn’t have to deal with it”. Now I know how harmful that was.
For some reason he severely does not like his sister. He will put her down, call her names and in the car to school in the mornings she is not allowed to talk. How messed up is that??? That is not the loving son I raised. I have had multiple “talks” with him about it and his behavior but he shuts down and won’t even try to see his part in it.
In the outside world he is leader. He is drum major of his marching band of over 300 kids! He is captain of the swim team. He is even the coach for grades 1-2 boys lacrosse. He is good kid….except when it comes to his sister. He is now blaming her for his horrible senior year but I just keep telling him it’s not her fault, he has to let go of this intense hatred he has towards her. He says she awkward and not socially aware. None of it is true. Does she talk too much at times due to feeling insecure, yes. But she is a good kid also. So now his best friend since 2nd grade now is dating his sister. My son is beside himself. He can’t even deal. He is angry that he would even think about talking to his sister let alone date her. He now won’t speak to his sister or his best friend. To make matters worse he found out by walking in on them and seeing it. Apparently they had been keeping it secret for months. They didn’t want to tell anyone because they knew my son would freak out. For years now he has told his friends to not even talk to his sister. And every single one of them has tried to ask her out but she has said no until now. It started out just as friends between my daughter and the best friend. They were all on the HS swim team together and my son was so mean to his sister that the best friend started seeing it and reaching out to her to give support and she was also supporting him with his problems, it grew. And now we are here with everyone hating everyone. The whole school knows what happened, people are coming up to my daughter with details asking her about it and all of this happened because they couldn’t talk to my son because of his anger and reaction. I feel responsible due to his inability to deal with his emotions and I don’t know what to do about it. Oh and side note, the best friends parents, my husbands brother, the kids grandmother knows everything and and they support my daughter and the best friend as do I but my husband does not know any of this! All of this happened and is happening under his roof and he is clueless! It’s not even because he’s not home…no, he’s home every single day and is clueless and I don’t want to tell him because of his reactions. Thus the cycle of abuse. Thank you for this place to get help.
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Replies
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Hey Nicole! Your story brings tears to my eyes. I hear your pain! While our circumstances are different, so much of the story is the same. The effect of the abuse is unbelievable!
I suppressed my son’s wounded feelings, trying to save him from the hurt. Only to later discover that I only added to the harm he was already suffering. That is an incredibly difficult lesson to absorb. I love that you see it though and are able to say it out loud. I know it is painful, but don’t run from it. Your son needs you to be able to face your own blame here. Have you told him? Have you admitted to him that you did not help him through times when he so clearly needed you? Have you told him you’re sorry?
I had to do all of this. I know for me I didn’t know how to help my boys. I thought I was doing the right thing to try to shield them from the pain. It is not possible, though, to shield our kids. Instead, they need us to work through our own emotions so we can be an anchor for them to lean on. I see that now, so clearly. Tell him you are sorry and that you love him! Whether he accepts your words right now or not, does not matter. He needs to hear them. They will replay in his mind over and over until he is ready to hear them himself.
We have been through some of those phases of everyone hating everyone. Here we lived with one toxic person, who nearly ruined us all. The problem is that we see some of that toxicity in ourselves and in each other. My boys hated the glimpses of their dad that they saw in each other and in me. They hated the glimpses they saw in themselves. All of this made it impossible to show love to each other and even to themselves.
In this type of environment, everyone has their guard up so hard! No one feels emotionally safe with anyone. It is a living nightmare!! Somehow you each have to find emotional safety. You can start that path. It isn’t easy. Get yourself on a solid path of healing. Accept the pain you have, accept your place in all of this. Accept their anger and frustration. And give your kids emotional safety in you!
Let them say whatever they need to say. Let them yell and scream. Let them be angry. It’s okay. They have to get it out!! Don’t try to fix them. As much as you want to, you cannot fix this for them. Love them through it! Listen to your heart and let it guide you. This is a tough journey, but you are stronger than you think!
I also want to say that my husband also was clueless! All of the turmoil and relationship issues happened right under his nose, and yet he didn’t know a thing. He had absolutely NO recognition of the pain in us and the struggles we were facing because of his negativity. I used to ask myself, “How is it possible for someone to be this clueless? This out of touch with reality?”
To this day, he has no idea how much pain he has caused.
I will say this to you, my boys and I, today, are stronger than we have ever been. Our relationships with each other grow stronger everyday. We have been through hell, no doubt! But we are so much more open and free with each other. More than I ever thought we could be. Hang in there! You will be stronger than you ever thought possible!
Both of you, you have my support.
To the original poster.
It is significantly sad that your son probably hated (still hates) so much of his father’s behavior but now he is probably copying it. That is so sad. And acting like he hates his sister and telling his friends not to talk to her as if she were some kind of terrible person. When it’s his father who’s really the bad guy.
Talk to him about it. Try to help him understand that what he has been doing and is still doing to his sister isn’t at all fair to her.
And then try to get him to see a therapist.
Once he is eighteen, that’s very much his own choice, not yours, but really it seems like it could also be very necessary under the circumstances.
Good luck with everything.
And hugs.
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