How do I know if he/she is truly a narcissist?

[Alex Delon]

Many people ask, “How do I really know if he/she is truly a narcissist or not?”
This question haunts people. The answer to this single question can give us validation for how we feel, justification for walking away, and just help us make sense out of an impossible situation. Yet the actual answer seems unreachable.

One day it is a resounding yes, and yet the very next day you can feel completely crazy for even thinking it. Up and down your emotions go, round and round your thoughts go. The roller coaster ride is a nightmare!!

I am here to tell you that you are trying to answer the wrong question. Whether someone is truly a narcissist or not really doesn’t matter. What matters is how they are treating you. To determine if they are or aren’t takes a highly trained professional, and even they can be puzzled and unsure.

So stop trying to diagnose him/her. Instead take a look at your own thoughts and feelings. How do you feel around this person? Do you feel safe and open? Do you feel you are becoming more and more of yourself, growing and learning more about life? Or do you feel like you are hiding more and more, afraid to branch out and open up?

How does he/she treat you? Is your trust with this person growing and flourishing? Or is it shrinking horribly? Do you feel safe being open and honest with them? Or do you keep your mouth shut in order to keep the peace?

Abuse comes in a lot of different shapes and styles. Abuse leaves you hurting inside. Whether he/she is actually a narcissist just doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong!

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[Rebecca]

Thank you. Exactly.
If we could just get a few more people here sometime and we could maybe post more about this very topic.
(Is so-and-so narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, etc., etc. and so on? Doesn’t matter a bit unless you are trying to learn more about and understand more about the person and/or the disorder or disorders [some people do tend to have more than one]. [Even for research and educational purposes, the diagnosis or potential diagnosis or diagnostic criteria shouldn’t always be the only factor. Obviously. Or perhaps it’s less obvious to some people or in some cases.] Shouldn’t *ever* be what guides you as to whether to leave them or not. The diagnosis, or the potential or probable or possible diagnosis, should never guide what your actions about the situation should be. Go with your gut, instead. Are you feeling terribly uncomfortable with the person and/or about the situation, maybe even more and more as time goes on? Is it obviously an unhealthy situation for you? Then leave.)
Pet peeve at present.
“My husband, wife or significant other is a covert narcissist.”
Maybe, maybe not, and just maybe we don’t really need to know.
Nor do you.
Tell us the behavior, and figure out what to DO about the situation, instead.
Thanks, Renee. Good job. ^____^

[Author]

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