The Final Straw…

by Alex Delon

With my chin up, I plucked that brittle straw and FINALLY snapped it in half. It wasn’t ‘something’ that broke the final straw, it was me. I was ready to stop feeding its flexibility. Tired of being sad and alone in my marriage. In all honesty, while swearing they were just friends, my husband was having yet another affair. He claimed I’d made too big a deal out of their dinners together, and the fact he’d invited her on a cross country motorcycle trip. When I finally left, he made sure I and our friends and family knew I needed psychological counseling, because I didn’t understand ‘friendship’. 

My metaphorical mind finally put the years of neglect, his rages triggered when caught in a lie or questioned, the devaluing and finally the contempt for me that roiled behind his mask into living color. It created a movie that linked each frame to the next and brought it to the reality of my life into focus. Unfortunately the reel played every time I closed my eyes to sleep. It was triggered by a song on the radio. “Love for one” takes so much out of us we want to turn away, hope it will just stop, but it doesn’t. In narcissistic relationships the distance, disgust and abuse escalates with time, it doesn’t retreat.

The lies about the another woman made mirrors my enemy. I couldn’t look myself in the eye any longer. I stopped feeding that dead stalk of straw I’d cradled and protected that was my life, my marriage, my despair. I pursued the truth, didn’t hide in denial or make excuses or believe him when he told me I was suspicious, selfish, bitter, didn’t understand his relationship with her because I was small and petty and didn’t understand friendship because I didn’t have any friends.

Over decades before, there were other lies, lots of tempers and devaluing, but I’d protected my love for him with determination to try harder, be better, weather the storms and not be a quitter. He’d endured an abusive childhood. I needed to stay strong, support him the way they didn’t. My determination nourished the straw, made it flexible enough to spring back and not break for decade after decade.

As I researched and began to see the patterns–the dynamics of manipulation in the narcissist’s arsenal, learned how many others experience the same things, instead of protecting and nourishing that straw, I let it dry out. Become brittle. When I broke it I set myself free. Sort of. I had to face the reality that I’d protected myself from having to stop pretending he loved me. To admit I was wanted, but not loved.

I wrote about my journey in LEAVING YOU…for me, and continue to write blogs posted on alexdelon.com as I recovered, took my life back. Learning the relationship dynamics depersonalized it. Bit by bit I’ve let those broken pieces go, taking the regrets and injustice and at times insanity of it drift away with them.

This morning as I write this, I think that straw is symbolic of me. I used all the tools in the codependent’s bag to keep my love and relationship from drying out and becoming brittle. People tell me how courageous I was when I finally walked away after 47 years of marriage, but they have no idea how broken I was. I didn’t realize it at first, either. Didn’t know I would have to plow through the steps of grief, learn to trust and value myself. It hasn’t been easy, but I want you to know it was worth every single step.

I’ve made genuine friends. Gotten into Meetup groups and enjoy fun activities. I came into my apartment yesterday after a five mile walk with a group of 23 people out living life too. We visit, laugh, four of us ended up having lunch together. I’m going sailing with several next week, am in an author’s group. I had as much fun on the ride home from a musical a few days ago as I did at the play…and it was a wonderful performance about Gloria Estefan’s life, lyrics, and rising above near defeat.

I’m rattling to let you know it will suck for a while when you finally decide to stand up for yourself, but there is brilliance beyond. There’s a wonderful world out there and I wish you the best in moving beyond the dysfunction. There’s an entire community of us along the recovery road. Reach out. Read. Believe you are worth it.

Let that straw break, it isn’t the end for you, it’s the beginning of a life with opportunity to leave the drama and chaos behind.

With warmest sincerity and encouragement,

Alex Delon