5 Myths About Saving a Narcissistic Relationship

by Alex Delon

Tips to dispel the myths of salvaging a toxic-narcissistic relationship, or not. Our emotions and the consequences of challenging a narcissist, keep us riding along the same road, absorbing the potholes. We begin to identify with the roadkill that gets crushed into the asphalt one tire tread at a time. Even if you must stay in the relationship, it will help you cope, if you understand what you’re dealing with.

Myth #1:  Counseling will remind them they love you, want you and can fix everything. Finally.

Both partners need a strong desire to revitalize the relationship for it to work.  If so, go for it with my best wishes ever, but if only one partner is willing to work for it — Love for one does not a couple make. Like a bike when the front tire takes off on its own, you’re pitched over the handlebars. Alone.

I recommend you don’t go to your first couples counseling appointment and pour out your aches and insecurities the instant the session begins.  Be quiet.  Let the narcissist speak first. Distorted hostilities surface in their attempts to justify infidelity and/or abuse.  They may say they feel smothered, you’re too emotional, insecure, needy, etc. These can be explosive scenes. My first appointment was.

The insight these critical dumps provide can propel you to the edge of that proverbial cliff.  I wish I’d strapped on a parachute during our first session because my fall was far and fast. I had not realized the extent of his contempt for me. His girlfriend who had never married, nor had children and was fifteen years younger, had her Masters, rode her bike at 5:30 every morning. Just a little muscle. She was smart, he could talk to her about anything. I needed to pull myself together and make something of myself.

I wonder if my brow furrowed as I wondered what raising three sons within three years of one another without preschools or babysitters to help while I did the accounting for three companies as our business grew to over four hundred employees. Learning from his college accounting book because a sophomore in high school accounting class was all I had to start with…Now I’m ranting.

As harsh as it was, I needed to face the truth. The typical “I love you, now let’s move on” after that counseling session was not going to gain traction. When the counsel stopped his tiraid by saying, “Stop! Why do you do that to her?”

He instantly snapped, “If I don’t tell her what’s wrong with her, how is she ever going it fix it?”

He left first after the session ended. I stayed to pay and set up another appointment. The counselor said, “NPD.”

I squinted, then asked, “What is NPD?”

“Since I’m counseling both of you, I can’t say anymore than you need to look it up, because that’s what you’re dealing with.”

Learning about narcissistic relationships set me on a course to salvage myself. That is my objective as I write and post articles like these for those who are mired in confusion, fear and heartbreak. Learning about narcissism, reading other’s stories made me realize our relationship would never change.

Myth #2:  Emotional abuse doesn’t really hurt or scar.

There is a stretch of time when you know something is wrong, but don’t know what or why.  This stage reminds me of Scrabble, the frustration of trying to make real words when all you have is a tray of consonants and your home and family depend on getting it right.

Ask the narcissist what’s wrong and they shift to attack mode, “Nothing is wrong!  I don’t have a problem.  If there’s a problem, you’ve got the problem.  It’s not my job to make you happy. Get off my back.”

It is not their job to make you happy, but lying, cheating, gaslighting, intimidating and ridiculing you are sure ways to make you miserable. They will not own this. I seriously wonder if they even realize this, when their ability to imagine how what they do makes you feel is one of the missing components of narcissism.

Empathy empty. You need to look beyond their apologies and the promises they never keep.

Myth #3:  They just don’t understand. I need to keep trying, explaining, being patient and strong.

Accepting the nature of the narcissist is key. They have no intent, desire or the ability to understand you, they want their way. Seeing, realizing, being accountable for their selfish, hateful behavior would shatter their ideal of themselves. Their ego and sense of self are too fragile. It has to be your fault. They must have a scapegoat and too often, you’re it. Until you accept this brutal truth, you will keep blindly trying to make them see. It is vital you internalize and believe you matter, too. You are responsible for you own heart, mind and soul.  Stand up.  Own your value and truth, not the distorted image of you they project. Secure boundaries.  (You’ll find more on boundaries in other posts.)

Be firm not combative.  Hold your line but don’t retaliate, it is a waste of time and gives them ammunition. This is not about changing them. They don’t change, but they can learn what you will tolerate. You simply state what is allowed within your boundaries. One slip and they will batter your boundaries with escalating anger.

Bravery and courage are not only for the battlefield.

Myth #4: Barring physical abuse, it’s your job to hold yourself and family together at all costs.

Raw honesty here. Are you worth more as a sacrifice? Will being a martyr make you a better person, father or mother?

Friends and family often don’t know how toxic the relationship is. They don’t know you’re holding on for dear life. Once you expose it, the narcissist protects their ego and image by blaming you for everything. They can twist and spin anything, real or imagined. Being accountable is not one of their attributes. You’ll need broad shoulders, quiet corners and a box of tissues for a while to remember that you matter, too.

Lashing back at them is pointless. Stating your truth when confronted with a lie they told is tricky, especially with your children. The kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. I encourage you to speak your truth quietly and clearly. The view is better from the high road when you can stay on it. When you cannot, dig in and stand your ground. https://www.clairengcobo.com/blog/staying-in-a-relationship-solely-for-the-children-weighing-the-pros-and-cons. Stay safe.

It helps to research and read about what others have gone through to perhaps avoid pitfalls. Join in one of the forums on this website or start a forum topic of your own. Home needs to be a haven not a nightmare. My ex in-law’s relationship was viciously toxic but they believed they had to stay together. The fury in their household emotionally crippled the entire family.

Sometimes it is not your choice. They leave and you are left with the carnage. Again, join a support group, if only online. You need to know that you aren’t alone in what you’re going through. Again. You matter, too.

For a while, I wandered around, wallowed in the past, sobbed at songs on the radio, read self-help books and Burton, my Bullmastiff, licked tears off my cheeks.  Married at seventeen, at sixty-five I only knew how to be part of a pair. Society is geared towards duos.  Dancing is rarely a singular activity.  Couples seldom love singles mingling in their midst.  Being coupled is cleaner, but not in a toxic relationship.

I teetered at this point.  It would have been easier to go back.  I knew how to do that life.  Be her.  I downloaded “Shut Up and Drive” by Chely Wright and “Fight Song” by Rachael Platten, sang along in my empty house, till my throat was sore.  Growth.  Can I breathe and be me, if I go back? 

I took a breath all the way to my belly and determined to fight for survival. 

For me, being lonely and feeling the contempt in the relationship, was worse than being alone.  The shift wasn’t instant. It crept over me as I caught myself laughing. I expected to survive, but figured sadness would be my cross to bear. I was wrong. I began to enjoy being with new friends, not having to turn over as I slept an inch at a time or remove my covers slowly-carefully if I needed to use the bathroom so I didn’t disturb him and get yelled at.

What are we worth?  Better yet, just what is the relationship worth?  Start by dividing a sheet of paper into two columns that list the pros and cons of the relationship. What is good for you, beside what is corrosive. Keep ball bats and sling shots out of reach during this exercise, it’s a brutal reality check.

Bit by bit I embraced my freedom. I built a new Pandora music station I love, made only half a bed, did half the laundry, and could and did say “Yes” to whatever was going on, without consultation. I’ve been on my own for eleven years now and enjoy my friends, my family and my new life more than I ever imagined possible.

This, I call “Priceless”.