Playing the Peacekeeper becomes a core focus for those in relationships with narcissists. Some argue that codependents share the responsibility for the unhealthy behavior, because their main focus of ‘keeping the peace’ is dependent upon the unhealthy family member’s behavior, like a teeter toter.

They relate it to the alcoholic person and their enabling spouse, partner or parent who functions as a codependent.

I get that point of view, but by definition, ‘responsibility’ has to do with a task or duty to deal with something or having control over someone, or the out come of a situation. If I’d had control of all that, I wouldn’t have become codependent! I didn’t know!

To me, tagging the codependent as “responsible” implies that we’re supposed to KNOW what in the hell to do. Instead, we’re like the little Dutch Boy plugging holes in the dyke to keep the dam from bursting, and drowning our family in the valley below.

YET…and THIS IS BIG…Once I came to understand the steps and turns in the Narcissist-Codependent Doo Op, the only way for me to stop, was to take responsibility and take control of myself. That meant opting out. Walking off the damned dance floor. I couldn’t do that and remain in the relationship. He wouldn’t have allowed it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/linda-esposito-lcsw article contained an interesting POV. She said: “Borrowing a phrase from my clinical mentor, Reevah Simon, “Whenever there is ongoing conflict, there is underlying agreement.” In other words, it takes two to tango, and the dependent or subservient partner may not be as weak, passive, or innocent as they appear.

I hear the ring of truth in this loud enough to wonder that we need to recognize, and focus education about Codependent behaviors, as much as on identifying the narcissist’s patterns.That’s a key components of identifying codependence…our energy is focused on THEM.

I’d love to hear thoughts on this topic. As a battle worn survivor of over 40 years of marriage to a narcissist, my real healing began when I began to understand what had driven me to stay. How I’d coped. How I could redefine my self and my world without fighting for his approval. Where in the hell was I hiding from myself?