I had this realization this week, why it feels like my CN is always winning, and why I feel like I’m always losing in our divorce. I am 2 years out from leaving him and 1 year since divorce decree. We still are in a battle over division of retirement. And we always have issues over the children I have to share with him 50/50. Every time something swings supposedly in my favor I feel let down and non triumphant, no resolution, no justice. I realized that this is because the things that I ask for and fight for should never have been things that I had to fight for in the first place. I should not have to fight him for a portion of retirement or equity in our marital home, or child support. I have had to fight like an armless monkey trying to pull a toy truck out of a 7yo boy’s selfish mitts for everything. It has taken its toll emotionally, financially and so much time, so much time. ‘Winning’ feels like I sweat and bled and I came out with one wheel. What am I supposed to do with this? Too little, too late.
I have to remind myself that I am the winner in the things that matter, I have friends and family that love me, and my children love me.