5 Tips to Set Vital
Boundaries With a Narcissist
If you're dealing with a narcissistic spouse, co-worker, sibling, parent or child, you can use help. The cycles are vicious and you feel powerless. Setting boundaries is a good place to begin. They peel back layers of the relationship like an eyewatering onion to reveal how invested they are in the relationship. You will become aware of specific behavior patterns and will step towards critical decisions for your wellbeing and that of others in your life. Here are basic suggestions to get you started.
- First, NEVER set a boundary you are not capable or willing to enforce.
- Narcissists are master manipulators. They’ll try fury, turn on false charm, or play the victim to batter your boundaries.
- Consistency on your part is key. If you falter they LEARN that if they keep the pressure up you'll cave and their behavior may even escalate.
- Second, it is vital to accept that you cannot change them.
- Narcissists will not change. Period. But read on, there is good news.
- So, why bother with boundaries? What good can they do?
- You change what you will tolerate before you disconnect; hang up, walk out of the restaurant, room, house, wherever.
- Stop reacting to guilt trips, temper tantrums, gaslighting.
- This is a tough one. The more you have to lose, the more vested in the relationship you are, the easier you are to control.
- Third, narcissists do not change, but they do learn.
- Narcissists want what they want when they want it.
- If your boundaries are in their way and you won’t budge, they will LEARN how to behave to get what they want, if they want it or you badly enough. Be ready for the big reveal.
- If they continue to batter your boundaries you have decisions to make.
- You either begin to detach and become less vulnerable to their attacks, hunker down and live with the abuse, leave or demand they leave the relationship.
- Fourth, start slowly with your most important issue, one you know you can follow through with.
- State your boundary clearly and concisely. The condensed version. This is NOT a negotiation.
- I will no longer tolerate being yelled at.
- Their likely response to that is "Or what?" So, be prepared with your consequence.
- I will walk away, hang up the phone, put on my headphones...whatever I have to do so you know I am no longer listening. -- Done. Enough said.
- They might snap back, "You not talking to me? I can only hope." Here you nod, smile just a bit and walk silently away. You've just set boundary #2 as well.
- Consistency on your part is key. If you falter they LEARN that if they keep the pressure up you'll cave and their behavior may even escalate.
- Fifth, and this one is a real witch.
- You remain calm. Try not to become adversarial.
- Again, this is not a negotiation. This is your boundary to set and protect.
- Again...be consistent or each boundary will become a contest and they take prisoners.
Once again...this is not a negotiation. You are taking care of yourself. Setting boundaries can be a solid step forward, instead of butting your head against the same brick wall.
Engaging in arguments with a narcissist is like running on a treadmill. You workup a sweat without getting anywhere. You'll need to brace for resistance and be aware, if one tactic no longer works for them, they begin testing the fence, like the raptors in the movie, Jurassic Park. Remain calm, you are the only one changing here...changing what you will no longer tolerate. Each step you take helps you square your shoulders, lift your chin and become the only one in control of their emotions will help you regain your life and heal your battered heart.