This is a post meant to inform and warn all of you who are in a mixed nationality relationship and marriage. If you are living in an expat environment please think carefully about how and where you take on your covert narcissist in a separation and divorce setting. Get appropriate legal advice
and learn as much about covert narcissism as you can. I made some mistakes early on in my journey and the price is high. My journey starts 14 years ago when I got married to DK. Looking back the signs of his covert narcissism were there all along. But I didn’t see them. How could I? Didn’t know how to recognise them and was in love as well as being a fixer! I could make everything happen and make him and us better together. So many signs, being ignored by me and thinking I can make it better. Fast forward – 14 years- 3 children and 2 international moves later. My eyes were opened through a series of marriage counselling sessions. I started to see the effect of his behaviour on our children and I had to open my eyes and start looking real hard at what is going on here. The marriage ended. He seemed to agree it was for the best. How wrong I was to think he agreed. Ultimately he is saving face. Deep down he hates me for having put him in a situation of ‘failing’. He didn’t tell his family for almost a year. I understand his actions and reactions so much better now. He is a classical and deep rooted covert narcissist and extremely abusive in his emotional controlling actions. I battle every day with the effects of the stress and my doubts about my actions and his. I tried to engage him in how to move forward with a separation – dividing our household etc. Zero- nada- nothing. We co habitted for 20 months after we had ‘agreed’ to separate. The emotional abuse hit an all time high. He withdrew all financial support and took the children’s passports, trapping us in the foreign country we live in. Never engaged and lives a separate life to us. Yet accused me of keeping kids from him – while we live in the same house! He was never home, spent all his time in the bathroom or the kitchen when he was home. On his phone. Listening to the radio. Totally superficially listening to the children. Yet always saying it was me and my actions that were abusive.
After 9 months I started the legal process of a separation application in the country we live in. His immediate defence was that he is a diplomat. The court put a hold on the separation application to consider his immunity status. And here I am- 18 months later – still without a decision.
I managed to move out with the children 8 months ago. It is much better as I feel safe within my own space now. For 20 months I slept with my purse under my pillow as I was afraid he would take my wallet, my car keys, my phone. I found him on the balcony one evening riffling through my purse. And that evening he attacked me physically for the first and only time. Yet he went to the accident and emergency room to report that I had attacked him! He took our family computer and all our family files from our home and refuses to let me access them. Being in my own home has made me able to regroup a little get the fight is still here. Kids and I have been living off some savings and now that money has gone we live off loans from family. He claims I am independently wealthy and as such he doesn’t need to support me. He claims he will pay half of the kids expenses but I have yet to see any money. He claims he wants to see the kids all the time and that I am preventing him from doing so. Yet he mostly refuses access and doesn’t turn up or cancels last minute when plans have been made.
And I have absolutely no legal recourse right now because he is using his diplomatic immunity to block the legal process in the country we live in.
I don’t want to return to his country where we lived immediately before we came out to where we live now. I can’t remain here as I can’t support the kids and myself financially. I would like to go back to my country where I have extensive family support, am able to work and the life work balance and quality of life for the kids is amazing. Yet without a legal process no decisions can be made.
His country government refuse to get involved – saying it is a personal matter. Yet he is using a privilege bestowed upon him by his government to control this personal matter.
Be careful – real careful about taking on your covert narcissist if you are in the expat life and he has diplomatic immunity.
My story will continue – I have to find a way through this