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I hear you! The turning point for me and my relationship with my young adult children was when I stopped being “desperate” for validation from them. The previous reply is SPOT ON. The sooner you let go of needing the kids to validate you, and effectively take sides, the sooner they will come back to you. Focus on healing yourself with the help of a therapist who understands the damage narcissistic abuse does to a person. While you are in this traumatised, unhealthy state it’s probably very hard for them to be around you. Even though you’re not the narcissist you probably unwittingly suck the life out of them with your desperation. Heal yourself first and foremost until you radiate inner peace and joy. The rest will follow. I promise!
Sent with love because I know how traumatising it is when the kids seem to side with the person who has caused you so much pain. It heaps pain on top of pain. They are in a very difficult position themselves and don’t yet have the maturity or life experience to know how to deal with it but know this…. they love you!Hi, I’m new here 🙂
So refreshing to read so many posts that resonate with me. I sometimes question whether I’ve been married to a CN for the last 32 years as the abuse is so subtle most of the time but reading your posts has confirmed I’m not making something out of nothing. We just get so beat down and used to it don’t we?
I started therapy 2 years ago as figured he would never change so I needed to be the one to change. I had to change the way I reacted to the abuse and the effect it was having on me. I was diagnosed with Cptsd during therapy. Therapy saved my sanity and quite possibly my life.
I’m 53 and in the middle of divorcing the STBXCN. The nisi is done, we’re in the middle of sorting the finances so we can get a consent order before I file for the absolute. He has been co-operative throughout (which completely threw me as I expected a war) although like some of the posters have already mentioned wanted to do everything on the cheap. I wanted the security of having my own solictor but after much research by myself I capitulated and filed for divorce in just 20mins online. So easy and no extra costs, only the court fees to pay. I won’t be able to fully relax until everything is settled. I’m still half expecting him to blindside me with something, but it’s reassuring to read of others experiences where they have been cooperative with a 50/50 split. It makes total sense really. They fly under the radar with other people, how they appear to others is all important so it makes sense that they don’t want to show their true colours during the divorce process.
So, since your stories all sound very familiar I have a question. Did your CN reign in the abuse as soon as they realised you wanted a divorce? It’s been 18 months since we decided to divorce (a lot of things needed to be taken care of before we could progress with it) and in all that time there hasn’t been one silent treatment or anything too extreme. Weird!