I am so sorry for what you have been through. This sounds like classic covert narcissism to me, perhaps mixed with BPD as you say. There are definite traits of narcissism in what you describe though: the complete lack of empathy toward your feelings or anyone else’s, a strong inability to accept blame, and the black and white thinking that someone…[Read more]

It never felt like winning for me because the win I wanted was a healthy marriage and a healthy family unit. That was never going to happen.
Like you, I came out with friends and family that love me. I have a great relationship with my two young adult boys. So in that regard, that is certainly a win! But I still often wish that they had a healthy…[Read more]

Hey Wiser – you are so right, narcs are definitely going to fight you no matter how reasonable you are. We can do everything in our power to be fair with them, and it will still be a disaster. It simply is not possible to work things out peacefully with them, even over the smallest things.

Mariab – Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting out!! I know how hard that is, and adding young kids makes it infinitely harder! There is no one right answer for every situation. Whether your kids should have time with him or not is not a simple question. As their father, he will almost certainly have some access to them. They will…[Read more]

ROR – how is it going? Please remember that you are getting your life back! You are not entirely starting over. You have so much greater knowledge and strength now than before. You are simply entering a new phase!

Everest!

You are so right about the LONG silence!! It is extremely controlling and purely manipulative. You are trapped, and they know it. I hated it! To me, this was the silent treatment. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t talk to me for days or weeks. It was that he would say that he wanted to say something and then hold the suspense and negative…[Read more]

Mrsnarc,

What they are going through is certainly not easy! They are likely to go through the stages of grief – shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger, depression, and hopefully a positive turn toward reconstruction, acceptance and hope. Be supportive of their feelings here. Give them a safe place to open up. Don’t judge how they feel or what they…[Read more]

Recently Narcless,
I agree that it was more pathological than deliberately mean. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to hurt us. I think he had no idea how much it hurt, though I tried to talk with him about it for years. He would agree and even at times apologize for being so absent. It would get better for about a week, but then it came…[Read more]

Hey Eisha,

I have been through it, and I not only survived, I thrived!! You are stronger than you think, and you can do this too!

Have you talked with an attorney yet? I recommend doing this. You can get a lot of financial questions answered. Many attorneys will give you a free consultation at the beginning. Do this with a couple different ones.…[Read more]

Feathersong,
I am so glad that you are no contact. Yes, it does help tremendously!! When I went no contact, it was the first time in years that I felt like myself again. Every day got a little bit better. I am still finding more of me every single day, and I am SO happy about it!

It is amazing to me that some people never leave a victim…[Read more]

How we feel when we are away from them compared to with them is a very good sign of what is going on inside us. Listen to your heart. It knows where healing is. It knows where peace is. It knows the right path for you and your kids.

Hey Bill,

I am so sorry for what you have been through!! No one should ever be treated this way. You are NOT crazy! Yes, this sounds very much so like narcissistic abuse. Their whole world revolves only around them, their desires, their feelings, their opinions, and so on. With a covert narcissist, the abuse is so subtle that many people don’t…[Read more]

Hi Foxx,

My favorite part of what you said is “for now anyways.” The story definitely doesn’t end here. You have SO many wonderful days ahead of you. I’m so glad you have your kids. I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

He Melanie, stay strong for your kids. These teenage years are crucial. They are tough years, even in healthy homes. I hope that you are able to be with them soon!

Are you able to get the court involved on their behalf?

Hey Rainne89,

Yes, it is impossible to explain to anyone who has never lived through it. People who haven’t lived it just can’t understand it. I don’t blame them. I can see why they don’t understand. But it makes it extra hard to find support when we so badly need it.

Good luck with the finances! Keep moving forward and focus on your own healing…[Read more]

I am so sorry to hear all this! Your story is all too familiar. They always make everything your fault. You work SO hard to make things right and to help the situation. Yet it is not only never enough, it is fuel for them to blame it on you. Everything is your responsibility to fix and your fault when it doesn’t get better. An impossible situation…[Read more]

Good for you for taking the next steps! I hope that this process is as peaceful as it can be for you.

Let yourself grieve! There is a lot of sadness to absorb in these situations. I am a year and a half out of a 21 year marriage and still feel that. Healing takes a lot of time, especially when children are involved.

I hope you have a good…[Read more]

Hey ellebuck,

I want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. Some of your story is SO similar to mine and brings back so many memories. Many of the aspects of narcissism lined up with my ex, but some of them did not. I also never hit the discard phase. He never would have discarded me. I truly believe that the reason for this is…[Read more]

Hey Carmen,

I am so sorry to hear all this! How is your son doing? Have you been able to get time with him through this quarantine?

Renee