Recovery and an example of the way a narc toys with you

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  • #622
    Emma
    Participant

    Hi All

    I cannot agree with this more. For me its been so awful for 15 years that for the first time in my life I DO NOT WANT another relationship until I have recovered. In the past I have looked for someone to take care of me in emotional terms, almost co-dependent, not any more!

    I went on a retreat for a week 18 months ago, I made the decision after my light bulb moment that I would do this. I was on my own in a cottage on beautiful farm in Glastonbury. I had psychotherapy and a host of other practitioners coming to see me every day. The retreat was run by a top psychotherapist Fiona Arrigo – ‘The Arrigo Programme’. It was an amazing journey of self discovery and I did it to help me get out of the relationship. I came out feeling very powerful!

    I do want a relationship again when I’ve ‘found myself’ and feel sure that I can make better judgements in future, because these experiences make you question your judgement. However we have been dealing with arch manipulators who come on with all the charm. The narcissistic pattern is: Idealise – Devalue – Discard. It’s not us!

    I am still living with the father of my children after 18 months! I nearly bolted when I first realised what I had been living with, but there was another option that would be better for the children and myself but that meant waiting, this is the renovation of a barn on grounds on which we live, near dad but not living with him. I have to wait for another 10 months before this starts. So I am still living him, but I have very much moved on inside myself and now just look at him as a tragic person who is very damaged and who has no power over me. I see him with perspective and from the outside. He can still trigger me on the odd occasion, and then I feel absolute hatred and anger! Of course he loves this, his narcissistic supply can be in the form of adulation, but equally as long as he is having some effect that will do. I truly believe he gets a kick out of hurting me.

    One example of his cruelty is nearly marrying me a couple of times (everything booked etc) and then making it clear in really nasty ways that he doesn’t really want to. I wanted to get married for the same reasons as anyone else, and especially to feel emotionally secure. I can see now that married or not I would never feel emotionally safe with this person. He went as far as asking my dad in person for permission to marry me and then reneged on it. We bought rings and he said in a very nasty tone ‘you’re a lucky girl aren’t you’ to which I burst into tears and I rarely cry. Lucky, huh, thank goodness I didn’t marry him.For ten years I asked him probably once a year why he didn’t want to get married, I NEVER got an answer. Just that circular conversation, which crucified me emotionally. In the end even though I own half of the house, it would seem it was about money, he didn’t want me to have any part of his money.

    He is a sick and ill person who has projected his sickness onto me. Torn me to shreds by making me feel that I am sick and not him.

    Signing off for now.

    Love to all

    Emma

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  • #117888
    Sammie
    Participant

    Emma
    I don’t know how long or if a certain amount of time can be placed on different aspects of having to live with a CN. I do know that if you have high standards, respect for yourself, operate on truth and integrity you won’t pick up the actions or the vocabulary of the CN. For me at one point I did immediately notice that I was about to mimic his actions. I since then have had to make a conscious effort to not let him influence me in anyway. The last thing I don’t want is to find that I have lost myself in his miserable existence. If that was to happen that would mean they won their sick game. Blessings!

    #117901
    Renee Swanson
    Participant

    Hey Emma,

    How is it going? You said you needed 10 more months before you could get out for good. Are you closer now? Is that going to be reality?

    I hope that your internal healing has truly continued! I did major amounts of healing while I was still living with the CN husband of 20 years. I couldn’t get out just yet either. By the time I left, I was already securely on my feet as my own person. The grief and mourning had already taken place. I never looked back. It was a celebration!

    I hope that you are well!
    Renee

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