Court All Over Again
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Topic
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My divorce was final in January (Two year process). It’s been 9 months of adapting to a new mindset, trying no contact as much as possible, dealing with lies, manipulation, demeaning and the mistress and slowly healing.
Yesterday I was served. He is beginning a new court case to gain custody of our 15yo. We settled in January for joint custody, week on/week off.
Our 15yo warned me prior to my being served, thank God! But can I do this all over again?! I’m devastated. The 15yo is his favorite and I believe he’s spent awhile brainwashing her and convincing her I don’t care.
I don’t believe he’ll stop litigating until he’s taken all three of our minor children. He will simply wait and convince them to sign over an elections and I will have no recourse in front of a judge. When will this stop?! How much pain can a human heart carry..
Thank you for listening.
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Replies
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I am so sorry for what you are going through! Sometimes it does feel that our heart simply cannot carry anymore pain.
Keep loving your kids! Give them emotional safety with you. Be there for them when he starts playing his mind games with them. As they get older, they will start seeing it for themselves.
Are your other children younger than the 15 year old? Does she see any of the brainwashing for what it is yet?
It took me a long time to realize that the best thing I could do for my kids was to take care of my own emotional and mental health. Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Your kids need you to. As your own healing happens, you will be much more able to be there for them. You will better be able to see what they need and how to help them. Take time to heal. Make that an absolute priority!
Dear one ,
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through . From all the challenges we faced through narcissistic abuse, most difficult one is the fear of loosing our children.
I experienced the same where my children were being brainwashed and used to as a weapon to fight against me, my ex uses triangulation to involve both of my children everytime he fished for arguments . At that time I felt hopeless and deeply saddened with my children’s attitude towards me , I do feel your pain .. however my friends and family encouraged me to continue to be the best mother we can be despite all the terrible treatment I received from them. I did take my alone space when things are too much to handle . Miracle then started to happen when the old one reached the age of 20 , she started to realize that what was happening was not right , they started to realize that the problem is not with me but with their dad . Now they are very close to me and not talking to their father . It could happen to you too …
Remember , fear is the number one weapon narcissist use against us , and fear is the one that consume and paralyze every bit of us , fear is the one who make us doubt ourself , try to over come the fear… just go with the flow like the flowing river , read the book from Tina Swithin as she experienced the same …I know you
Can do it …You are not alone. My children are very young and I have more than a decade before I expect to be done with litigation. It’s been 5 years since my divorce, and there have been 3 lawsuits so far. His entire family supports him financially and otherwise and they work in the system.
Thus far my ex has been able to conceal his abuse of the kids. I worry about appearing like an accuser with no evidence and having my children taken away from me. He made huge gains in court recently (essentially) due to a paperwork screw-up; I looked like a monster. I had been in a good place mentally, and now I couldn’t feel more low.
I don’t know where I go from here. I just wanted to let you know that others are suffering along with you. The system is so freaking broken and I have no clue how one could even dream of untangling it. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. The input above is the advice I usually give, and it works. I’m calling my local shelter hotline today because of this new development in my case; and working on some self care and doing what I can to support my kids emotionally. In the end sometimes that’s all we can do.
Sending you much love
Oh!! Almost forgot. Read the book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy if you haven’t already, and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Both are excellent reads; Splitting is a relatively short playbook for divorcing a high conflict person (I haven’t re-read it recently, but I’d think it’s relevant for subsequent litigation too), and WDHDT is the abuser’s playbook. The former helped me with the nuts and bolts of how to deal with litigation (come to think of it I probably should re-read that one) and the latter was incredibly eye-opening and helped me accept and stop analyzing – for the most part. WDHDT is pretty long; I got it on Audible through a free trial.
Unless he has a really good reason like you are a drug addict, (he would have burden of proof) you abuse your child, you neglect your child or something serious along those lines, it’s rare to get less than 50% unless you agree. Let him waste the money on this and the court’s time. After a while, the judge will get sick of it and start making him pay your legal fees.
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